James

why won't they talk about it?

i rang up a Mormon chapel. a woman answered and i asked if Mormons wear special underwear. she instantly changed the subject and hung up when i asked if Mormons believe the men can their own planet in the afterlife and have sex with hundreds of women

last night at about 10:30pm i was alone at home. i was in the kitchen, just poured myself a glass of pepsi. i turned around and there standing in front of the garage door was a man . as soon as i saw him, i hurled my drink at him but he vanished with the blink of an eye

the pepsi splashed all over the garage door lol

he was about 5ft 11, looked about 30 odd, had short black hair, average build, slim face, dressed normal'

what do u think? did i hallucinate for a few seconds or did i see a real ghost?

really?!

is that really true?

Jesus ran off when he was 12, disappeared for 18 years, no official record of him at all for all that time- just a few vague rumours

he just ran, never told anyone where he was going or how long he'd be, just disappeared... like a thief in the night. never sent his beloved mother a letter telling her he was ok or anything, just complete disappearance for 18 years

what kind of an example is that?

then, at the age of 30 Jesus reappears in Jerusalem, starts making outrageous claims about himself and performs a few miracles to back it up because let's face it- without the miracles no f"cker would've given Jesus or his teachings the time of day

then he teaches that he will kill anyone who does not accept him as their messiah, then he gets arrested, persecuted and ultimately executed by crucifixion. then he comes back to life, says his farewell to his disciples and then just disappeares... AGAIN.... like a thief in the night

no one actually witnessed Jesus coming back to life and he didn't really hang around long enough to give anyone the chance to verify it, he was so secretive and elusive when it came to his resurrection

and because of that, there has been so much controversy, skepticism, persecution, suffering and misery on this planet for the past 2,000 years- all of t because of how vague and ambiguous Jesus' behavior was

perfect life? perfect example?! Am I the only one who smells a rat here?

Jesus disappeared when he was 12 and was never seen again for 18 years

seriously, what was that all about? where did he go? why did he disappear? for all that time? what was he doing for 18 years?

a serious question

i expect a serious answer- no jokes please

what's it like to have a girlfriend?

i've never had one

Recently i wrote a song. It's a silly funky rock sorta song that reflects back on the naughties and the political issue and the pop culture from then.

Read the lyrics, tell me what you think, what would you rate it on a scale between 1 and 10?

Title: Noughtie Start

Lyrics:

Guess what guys?

The noughties are over

We’re more naughty than ever?

Won’t answer that today

Here to shed some light

On the time just gone

Too early you ask?

Don’t care- doing it anyway

Brace yourself

This might make you blue

Don't say I didn't warn you

Millennium night- when the world went pear shaped

Well we thought it would but nothing came round

The following year the united states got raped

With the new president, we all frowned

9/11 weren’t the best way to start off

Was the conspiracy theory really true?

You called this a war on terror? Excuse me if I cough

Bush terrorized for oil, no wonder someone threw a shoe

Global warming! We ain't got a prayer

Ice caps will melt, the world will flood

At least Kevin Costner won't be there

Sweet old Mother nature wanted our blood

We lost Johnny Cash, not to mention our jobs and cash

Damn the recession, the banks lost their heads

First black president- you racists better make a dash

Society broke apart- we called the feds!

This was my generation

The time I grew up in

Yea you might think that's a curse

Believe me it could've been worse

Sure Jesus Christ never came back

Any chance for world peace got a whack

but this still was my generation

Now let's get a bit more funky

The cell phone should've got banned

Before it became our right hand

DVDs were here to stay

VHS always made my day

Horror wasn't scary anymore

Saw films were a right bore

Johnny Depp as a pirate was a loada fun

Tom Cruise tryin be tall- he never won

The badass Uruk Hai in Two Towers

They never made a fourth Austin Powers

Marvel showed us a good time

Michael Bay didn't deserve a dime

Lucas screwed up Star Wars for good

JJ drove star trek into the mud

Lost wasn't the best show I've ever seen

Ugly Betty- I was never too keen

Wished Family Guy would just go

The Simpsons sunk to a new low

This was my generation

The time I grew up in

Yea you might think that's a curse

But it never made me need a nurse

Great Britain gave us a great crap pile

Airhead celebrities, loudmouthed Jeremy Kyle

Big brother- slow and boring as a tractor

I always stuck to watching the X factor

I never hated Simon Cowell- never like Cheryl Cole

"You're Beautiful" James Blunt- what an A hole

Rather listen to Justin Bieber? I AIN'T GAY!

Whatever happened to Britney anyway?

Britain overrun by Chavs and their tracksuits

Not to mention the Emos and their sexy boots

This was my generation

The time I grew up in

Yea you might think that's a curse

Believe me it could've been worse

Sure Jesus Christ never came back

Any chance for world peace got a whack

but this still was my generation

I'm proud even if you're not

Sure society kinda got stuck in sh!tcreek

But least there was pride in being a geek

Say what you want,

It was still my generation

It might've made John Lennon spin in his grave

But I give the noughties a respectful wave

How the computer took over our lives

at home, at work, on the street- everywhere!

I think some preferred it to their wives

Only aloud on it for an hour? Not fair!

The TV was what entertained us the most

until the Internet made it look like a ghost

where all the knowledge and nudity is

talk to anyone anywhere in the world? What a whizz

Mark Zuckerberg gave us bookface

I was happy enough with myspace

Then came everyone's favourite- Youtube

You don't have an account? What a noob

Upload a video and become an instant star

Don't like it? Click the dislike bar

Time to play your console- plug in

Don't like your XBOX? Chuck it in the bin

Youngsters say the old games are a pile of turd

I hear enough of that from the angry video game nerd

Never understood why Avatar was such a hit

Michael Jackson, you'll be sorely missed

No flying cars or hoverboards, that's sh!it

Uh oh Marty McFly's gonna be p!ssed

Don't call him chicken, never has an insult been duller

Don’t ever say yellow, even if it’s your favourite colour

The noughties were my generation

Time I grew up in

it was no curse

Was it worse

Nah, at least we had no Thatcher

I remained a bachelor

Hopefully things'll get better

My dreamgirl- never met her

Future of mankind ‘s more important ya dope

Whatever the outcome, I pray we all cope

At least we’ll always have a good past

Yo Elvis, sorry to leave you till last

Hey, I've just wrote a song that reflects back on the the noughties and the pop culture from that time. Read the lyrics and tell me what you think, thanks

this song is just completely random with random silly lyrics

Title: Noughtie Start

Lyrics:

Hey sit down, listen yer

Got a few words to shed in ya ear

it's about a decade,

the one just gone

sorry i got delayed

excuses? i'v got none

But focus on me now

And the time that was mine

It was my generation

Brace yourself

this might might you blue

don't say i didn't warn you

Millenuim night- when the world went pear shaped

well we thought it would but nothing came round

the following year the united states got raped

with the new president, we all frowned

9/11 want the best way to start off

Is the conspiracy theory really true?

You called this a war on terror? excuse me if I cough

Bush terrorized for oil, no wonder someone threw a shoe

Global warming! global warming! we ain't got a prayer

Ice caps will melt, the world will flood

At least Kevin Costner won't be there

sweet old Mother nature wanted our blood

We lost johnny cash, we also lost lour jobs and cash

damn the recession, the banks lost their heads

first black presidents- you racists make a dash

society broke apart- we called the feds!

(Chorus)

This was my generation

The time I grew up in

Yea you might think that's a curse

Believe me it could've been worse

Sure Jesus Christ never came back

Any chance for world peace got a whack

but this still was my generation

It might've made John Lennon spin in his grave

But I give the noughties a respectful wave

Now let's get a bit more funky

The cell phone should've got banned

Before it became our right hand

DVDs were here to stay

VHS always made my day

Horror wasn't scary anymore

Saw films were a right bore

Johnny Depp as a pirate was a loada fun

Tom Cruise tryin be tall- he never won

Marvel showed us a good time

Michael Bay didn't deserve a dime

Batman came back, this time with no nipples

Friedberg and Sheltzer- be kind to the cripples

George Lucas screwed up Star Wars for good

JJ Abrams drove star trek into the mud

Lost wasn't the best show I've ever seen

Ugly Betty- I was never too keen

Wished Family Guy would just go

The Simpsons sunk to a new low

Great Britain gave us a great crap pile

Airhead celebrities, loudmouthed Jeremy Kyle

Big brother- slow and boring as a tractor

I always stuck to watching the X factor

I never hated Simon Cowell- i never like Cheryl Cole

"You're Beautiful" James Blunt- what an A hole

Rather listen to Justin Bieber? I AIN'T GAY!

Whatever happened to Britney anyway?

(Chorus)

This was my generation

The time I grew up in

Yea you might think that's a curse

Believe me it could've been worse

Sure Jesus Christ never came back

Any chance for world peace got a whack

but this still was my generation

I'm proud even if you're not

Sure society kinda got stuck in sh!tcreek

But least there was pride in being a geek

Say what you want,

It was still my generation

It might've made John Lennon spin in his grave

But I give the noughties a respectful wave

How the computer took over our lives

at home, at work, on the street- everywhere!

i think some preferred it over their wives

we were only aloud on it an hour? not fair!

The TV was what entertained us the most

Until the internet made it look like a ghost

Where all the knowledge and nudity is

talk to anyone anywhere in the world? What a whizz

Mark Zuckerberg gave us bookface

I was happy enough with myspace

Then came everyone's favourite- Youtube

You don't have an account? what a noob

Upload a video and become an instant star

Don't like it? click the dislike bar

Time to play your console- plug in

Don't like your XBOX? Chuck it in the bin

Youngsters say the old games are a pile of turd

I hear enough of that from the angry video game nerd

Never understood why Avatar was such a hit

Michael Jackson, you'll be sorely missed

No flying cars or hoverboards, that's ****

Uh oh Marty McFly's gonna be pissed

Don't call him chicken

the noughties were my generation

time i grew up in

it was no curse

was it worse

nah, at least we had no thatcher

i remained a bachelor

hopefully things'll get better

my dreamgirl- never met her

hope she exists, as well as our future i hope

whatever the outcome, I pray we all cope

but hey at least we've a good past

Yo Elvis sorry to leave you till last

A prequel to next year's new Chucky movie.

Three years after the events of Halloween: Resurrection, Chucky arrives in the town of Haddonfield in search of the legendary Michael Myers with the intention of transferring his own soul into the body of Myers.

but Micheal isn't losing his body without a fight...

What do you think of this idea?

they're subconsciously terrified that Jesus himself was gay?

how can we know for certain?

there are just so many different portraits of him, which one is most correct?

they can't all be correct surely

If you put all the versions of Jesus together, he'd end up looking like a middle eastern Indian Chinese Caucasian blue eyed black man- no wonder people thought he was so unique

But then his DNA did come from a human female and the creator of the cosmos so who knows what the outcome would be

Read this story version of Jesus Christ and tell me what you think of it

Mary gives birth to a baby boy. She and her husband- Joseph named him Jesus.

At age 12 Jesus has a debate with a group of Jewish teachers and subsequently looses his faith in God. Fearing the consequences of confessing his apostasy, he runs away and flees Jerusalem

He migrates to India and eventually discovers Buddhism. After doing much study, he rejects his Jewish upbringing and becomes a Buddhist.

He grows up to become a very wise, peaceful and ethical individual.

At age 30 Jesus returns to Jerusalem to reunite with his family and old friends. He meets his family and apologies to them for running away and being absent for so many years. After making amends with them, he has himself baptized as his way of apologizing to God for his apostasy- despite being an enlightened spiritualist.

Jesus settles back home with his mother and begins teaching the Jewish community the things he personally believes. Everyone is amazed by the enlightening things Jesus is preaching. Several people end up following Jesus and his way of life. Jesus falls in love with Mary Magdalene and secretly marries her.

Rumors start spreading around that Jesus is a new prophet of God or maybe even the prophesied messiah. The Romans hear of these rumors about Jesus.

Judas- one of Jesus' friends and followers betray him to the Romans. Upon discovering this, Jesus orders his wife to flee Jerusalem for her own safety while he will stay behind and face the consequences of influencing his beliefs on the Jewish community.

the Romans come and arrest him. Despite denying he is a prophet or the messiah, the Romans find Jesus guilty of breaking the laws of the Empire by spreading anti-roman messages to the community and starting his own religion. They present Jesus to the Jews where they demand him to be executed for blasphemy.

Whilst Jesus' wife flee jerusalem, Jesus is executed by crucifixion.

A short time later, locals steal the dead body of Jesus- believing he is indeed the messiah and will come back to life...... but he never did

Jesus stayed dead. He died for the safety of his beloved wife.

He was born a Jew and died a Buddhist

Don't you think they both have a few things in common:

Both are totalitarian

Both believe women should not work and bring up their children at home while their husbands work

Both persecute homosexuals as part of their so–called moral crusade

Both want to take over Europe

Both think of themselves as being pure and everyone else as being impure

Both make no secret about their desire to exterminate the Jews

I know a lot of you will probably say shawshank redemption or green mile but my personal favorite Christian themed movie is Alien 3. A movie almost universally hated and ignored but I love it

Ripley= Jesus Christ

Alien= Satan

Prisoners= human sinners

Such a powerful story with such powerful themes of faith, sacrifice and redemption

I love it

which is more likely to be true:

Jesus Christ was the son of god and our lord and savior. He was born of a virgin birth, grew up, performed miracles, preached the word of God and died on the cross for the sins of all humanity. He was resurrected back to life and ascended up to heaven where he currently resides and will return to this world some day to judge and to rule.

Or Jesus Christ was just an ordinary human being like the rest of us who had a human mother and father like the rest of us. He grew up, taught some very moral and ethical stuff and was executed for being too anti roman and for creating his own religious cut. He died and has been dead for the past 2,000 years and will stay dead like the rest of will when we die

Which is more likely to be true?

Be honest with yourself

I would imagine that would be very heart breaking for all the Christians out there especially when they think about all that money they've tithed into the bank accounts of the multi-millionaires that run Christianity

That would probably be enough to make them spit out their bread and water and cleanse their church with anarchy

If Jesus doesn't ever come back, i would imagine his followers would start making excuses for it or provide some BS explanation for it although i think the ship has already sailed out on that one or should i say the ARK has already sailed out on that one

I hope Jesus does return and soon because i want to ask him what he's been doing for the past 2,000 years and why it took him so long to return

we see more of Hayley's comet than we do of that bearded wally, he'll owe us some answers

isn't the Sun the real God?

because it's the source of all life on this planet. We owe the sun everything

If not for the sun, our planet would just a ball of dead lifeless rock flying around on its own in the dark

religion has been hugely inspired by the sun

Whenever we think of God or heaven we always think of light don't we? light is so beautiful isn't it? and where does light come from? the sun!

So really we should all start praying to the sun but we don't do we because we know the sun isn't a god

We know the sun is just a giant ball of burning gas made up mostly of hydrogen and helium atoms so even if we did pray to the sun, its unlikely our prays would get answered

But then you religious folk are already used to that aren't you?

peace

Luke 19:27

"But those my enemies, who would not that I should reign over them, bring here, and slay them before me"

the idea that when Jesus returns he will cleanse the earth with fire and kill all those who are wicked and don't accept him as their messiah

The recorded life, death and life of Jesus has been the direct cause of so much persecution, misery and suffering on this planet for two thousand years- all of it unnecessary and all of it his fault

who does Jesus think he is? and who is he really working for- God or Satan?

no it's not Satan

It's Pat Condell

He will be a great challenge for God when they meet each other on Judgement Day

lets say you're driving down a street somewhere one afternoon when suddenly you see a person dressed up as a caped superhero- the costume is something you've never seen before- he's his own superhero

What would you think?

he must be the way he's set everything up

"Worship me, praise me, serve me, believe in me OR ELSE"

what an asshole

Dr Phil should visit God and tell him to "get real"