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How do I tackle this behaviour from an 8/9 year old girl?

My daughter is nearly 9 years old, her dad and I split up 4 years ago following his affair - he is still with the woman. Initially we shard contact as they only lived a few minutes away and we literally split the week in half and had every other weekend with her.

Not long after we split I met a new partner and eventually he moved in. My daughter was ok throughout all of this and behaved normally with normal levels of "attitude".

Three months ago my second daughter was born, and - at roughly the same time - my first daughter's dad moved to Wales with his girlfriend leaving my daughter with me most of the time (he sees her every other weekend). At first she was brilliant, we developed a good routine of walking home from school, doing homework, cooking tea - life was idyllic. Then, after the first fortnight she had her first weekend visit with her dad - since then she has turned into the devil child. She purposely ignores what i say to her or ask her, she refuses to do as she's told, she has major strops about five times a day about things which are quite silly - for example I asked her to repeat herself twice because I am slightly deaf in one ear and couldn't hear her so she launched her lunchbox across the room, shouted forget it" and stormed off!!!! Her strops usually end with her tearing up the stairs as loudly as possible and then sobbing and shouting for ten minutes before coming back and saying the obligatory (but not meant) "sorry"

What on earth do I do?????? I have tried the naughty step, taking things away, grounding her, stopping her from attending parties/swimming lessons etc - she genuinely doesn't care.

Update:

In addition to this - we went shopping last weekend and whilst my partner tried on some jeans we waited outsid the changing room, my eldest had to meddle with things even though I had specifically told her not to - she then dropped two watches on the floor (I was so embarrassed I went bright red) again I repeated that she shouldn't touch anything so she went to a display unit next to me, and - whilst watching me - she touched every single bottle on the shelf... I was livid! i made her stand by me and I just didn't know what to do.

Update 2:

I have tried sitting hr down and asking her what's wrong, she is unable to express it though - she just says "don't know" this is the same regardless of who asks, my best friend has tried, my partner and my dad - all to no avail. I'm getting so desperate now that I've even considered a child psychologist but I don't think I could afford one whilst on maternity leave.

8 Antworten

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  • gail
    Lv 5
    vor 1 Jahrzehnt
    Beste Antwort

    Your daughter is attention seeking.

    She once had both mum and dad at home, then she had mum....and her dad close by with regular visits.

    Dad has now moved further away with his partner so her visits have reduced and mum now has a new baby and a new partner all fighting for mums time and attention which she used to have in abundance.

    She may be feeling that her dad didn't give her much thought when he decided to move further away and probaby felt like a afterthought when she visited him.

    Now she has a new member of the family to compete with for your attention and feels like she has to be naughty in order to gain it.

    Even though it is the wrong type of attention it is still attention.

    Try to spend some quality time with just her and reassure her that she is loved and wanted because it sounds to me like she is feeling a little left out and confused as to where she fits in.

    She doesn't need a child psychologist.

  • vor 1 Jahrzehnt

    Hi. Although I am not a parent yet, I am a teen and have 3 younger siblings. The odds are she is going into puberty. That will make everything harder for you. Please remember that you went through this too, and give every punishment in love.

    Your daughter has probably perfected the art of "not caring". It is possible to turn off emotions, I do it all the time. However until she gets into a "routine", she may blow up at any given time. If you have the patience, you can slowly make it so she no longer needs her shell. Her shell protects her from hurt and pain. It also keeps her from feeling joy and contentedness. Please understand that she will push every button you have.

    What you need to do is, in love, set up a list of reasonable consequences. When she throws a strop, stand there and listen to her if you can. Afterwords when you aren't angry, say to her, "this needs to stop. If you can't respect my authority, then there will have to be consequences." Take the time to sit down with her and your partner. (He needs to be involved in this. He needs to back you up in front of your daughters, and in private- discuss with you when he feels you are wrong in something.) When you sit down, make sure you have a lot of time to spend, because no one should leave the table till this is finished.

    Take a piece of paper and make a list of the offenses she makes against you. Next to that list make another list of her privileges. Make sure you do not put any rights on this new list. She has the right to eat. (However it is a privilege to eat snacks inbetween meals, and dessert after.) She has the right to be clothed. (However it is a privilege to wear clothes that are in fashion, and to choose her own clothes.) Ect... Her privileges include things like going out with friends. Staying up after dinner. Watching TV. (In my case reading anything execpt required reading!) Ect... Then discuss what punishments are reasonable for what offenses. Sometimes the punishments will have to take up some of your valuable time as well. You must stick to your guns. Nothing will work if you give in even once.

    Also, after you finish pull your partner aside privately and make a list of rewards. With out telling her about these, when she makes progress or does something above your standards, do something on that list for (or with) her. Take her out for ice cream if you can swing it. Make her favorite cookies. And whatever you do, DON'T TELL HER. She should respond.

    And remember, she is your daughter. You have to live with her no matter what, so this will benifit you in the long run. Even if you don't see anything. (This will take months, it will probably take years. Someday she will understand.)

    Also, remember- you know her better than I or anyone else do. Just remember, sometimes love hurts. If you don't start now, think how she could treat her children and her husband.

  • Anonym
    vor 1 Jahrzehnt

    Your daughter has been through an awful lot in nine years of life. Although you say she has coped and her behaviour has been "normal", nobody goes through all of this without it having an effect on them on some level, and expecting her to be able to recognise that and verbalise it is asking rather a lot from her. What she needs more than anything is understanding, love, and well defined boundaries.

    My (nearly nine year old) son has also been through a torrid time with his dad leaving the marital home, re-marrying, moving house, not wanting to see him anymore, me meeting a new partner and now being pregnant by him. Every day for us is different, some are difficult and some less so. I try to take each day with him as it comes, and deal with behaviour issues as and when they occur (which is pretty much 6 days a week). But your daughter's behaviour sounds normal to me, given what she has been through and is going through. Things are hard for you, I'm certain of that, but try to imagine yourself in her shoes and just imagine what kind of things she might be feeling.

    You could try telling your daughter that you know things have been / are tough for her, and because of this you and your partner are trying hard to be understanding, but that there are certain rules that will always apply, and that you will not be spoken to rudely / tolerate things being thrown / be sworn at, etc. Just hearing that you understand and value her feelings may be very helpful to her. She doens't need a child psychologist, she needs to know and to feel that she is safe and loved just as she is. And she may need lots of reassurance that she is still your number 1, now that new baby is here. Give her love and patience and keep gently but firmly re-enforcing those boundaries. She will come through it eventually.

  • vor 1 Jahrzehnt

    Brat camp. Just messing, she is probably finding it difficult not being the only child now and having attention from both parents as her father has moved away. Sit and try to talk to her like an adult, treating a child older than they are often makes them behave better. Also try and get her to talk to you when she is feeling down or when she has a problem and let her know that there is nothing she can't talk to you about, but obly if she wants to. Also she is getting to that age when children start to rebel, this is normal and usually the child will grow out of it, but the worst thing to do is egnore her behaviour as it will get worse and more attention seeking.

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  • vor 1 Jahrzehnt

    all you can do is stay strong. Keep the discipline. Do not give her a punishment and then give in to her. Do not feel bad for her either. My daughter is 9 almost ten. I just recently moved in with my boyfriend and my daughter tried to get that way as well. As much as I love her, I had to show her who was boss and who's rules she needed to follow. I would make excuses up for her at first. Like, its a big life change for her... its always been her and I for so long and then I realized I need to stop making excuses because I bettered our life and she will adjust to it. Sometimes children lash out in ways because they can't Communicate like us adults. Did you try sitting her down and asking her whats bothering her? Maybe there is jealousy or something going on that your not being sensitive too?

  • Nic
    Lv 6
    vor 1 Jahrzehnt

    I would ask her what I had done to deserve such treatment. Maybe she'll actually talk to you if you give her a chance. She sounds like a bright girl who's going through an "I'm a grown up" phase. Explain that being a grown up does not equal doing stupid things out of spite and if she wants to be treated like an adult then act like one and show some responsibility. You'd be surprised at how smart kids are. Sometimes just talking to them in an adult manner is enough to make them feel like their feelings are important and they'll back off the snottiness at bit when they feel they're being heard.

  • misty
    Lv 6
    vor 1 Jahrzehnt

    Have a word with her father to find out if anything's happened recently while she's been with him that might have unsettled her.

    You may find that now he's moved away and he's seeing less of her he's taking the opportunity to spoil her when he does see her. Which might be why she's acting up with you.

    Just keep being firm and not giving in to bad behaviour. It's all you can do.

  • vor 1 Jahrzehnt

    Right i'm a 12 year old girl , so you can either listen from a young girls point of view ,

    so ....

    ii sometimes throw things , and get in deep trouble :O

    ii get punishedd like this

    1. Get laptop / computer taken off me for a week

    2. NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH T.V

    3. NO DS

    4. Not allowed outside

    AND say to your daughter she isn't having anymore things , that'll put her right! :L

    Andd , tell her she's being very ungrateful

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