What do you think of this paragraph?

Question

Hey there guys, I'm writing a college essay about my personal interests and how they tie in with my academic goals. So what do you think about this as an introduction?

The school counsellor’s office is a friendly room with pale yellow walls, a wooden desk and two padded chairs, one of them occupied by a woman with massive curly hair and a warm smile. Piles of student files and course books are jumbled in unimposing chaos, and the air smells strongly of coffee. She welcomes me in, offers me a cup, and I pass her my course form. After eyeing the scribbled paper, she laughs. I have chosen twice as many courses as most of my peers in a meek attempt to stretch my weekly hour limit. After discussing the benefits of a course in biotechnology in relation to elementary particle physics, I take both. Luckily, I have two more years to try and take every course that my school offers. I would be well equipped with a DeLorean time machine.

wanderluster. · Accepted Answer

It's kind of bland to begin with...do you really view all this in the building? Is that how simplistic you see it? What makes pale yellow balls, a wooden desk, and chairs "friendly"? You have to consider word usage and make it match. Sentence structure is also monotonous. Subject, verb, noun. Blah, blah, blah. Play around with length, even in an essay.

Last sentence is fun - I liked that.

Cogito Ergo Sum · Answer

Very good imagery. However I don't see how they tie in with your academic goals. Well, I do see it, but you don't elaborate so it's kind of hard to see where you go from there. Maybe you should cut down a bit on the imagery and describe your personal interests and HOW they tie in with your goals. Maybe write a sentence or two describing the interests, and explain your goals so the reader understands it more. I like the last sentence. It adds a bit of humor.

You have a pretty firm grasp of good grammar and structure. Don't listen the first answer. He obviously doesn't know what he's talking about.

? · Answer

Starting a story or essay with THE often isn't a good idea. I honestly feel like I'm just tossed in the school counselors office and have no idea why I'm there. The whole thing is confusing.

You also seem to be telling a story. Not an essay. It does not sound like it is about a personal interest.

If your main subject is a personal interest then YOU should be in the intro. Not a random counselors office.

When you write an introduction you want to GRAB the reader. It is something that pulls them in to keep them wanting more.

If I'm writing a story I will often start with a dialogue. Something catchy like "Can you believe you?" or "What was he thinking?"

If I'm writing an article I will often start with odd or quirky. One homeschooling article I wrote started with something like "I'm a lazy and messy mom, but I make it work."

If you are in college they are expecting high quality work.

Anonym · Answer

That made me want to read some more of your essay.
The first answer obviously doesn't know the basics of a good a** paragraph.

Jacob · Answer

Bad

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