Cool H

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25461301/?GT1=43001

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

A little boy goes to his father and asks \"Daddy, how was I born?\"

The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little \'Pop-Up\' appeared that said

Scroll down

You\'ll love this

\'You have Male!\'

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,

"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

Scroll down - THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

Scroll down - IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'n hen-gliding!"

God calls up Satan it a wild rage.

"Listen here, Satan," says God, "we just had Heaven surveyed, and it turns out that the fence around Hell is illegally extended 15 feet over Heaven's property line.

"So what do you want me to do about it?" asks Satan.

"Move the fence!" shouts God.

"No way," says Satan.

God says "I'm warning you! You'd better move that fence back 15 feet."

"Or what?" asks Satan.

"Or I'll sue!" thunders God.

"Oh yeah?" asks Satan, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog

he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest

and asked,"Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the

creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the

church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they

believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate

for the service?"

Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Paddy and Murphy were walking through the countryside.

Paddy says to Murphy, "Will you look at that headstone. Dat fella lived till he was a 140 years old!"

Bejaysus said Murphy, "That's bloody amazing! What was da little fella's name?"

Paddy knelt down for a closer look at the stone and read:

(140 MILES FROM LONDON)

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

Watching the kids play she notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun with a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"Are you ok?" she says

"Yes" he replied.

"You do know that you can go and play with the other kids", she says.

"Its best I stay here" he said.

"But why?" says the blonde.

The boys says "Because I'm the f#cking goalie"

Paddy and Murphy went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Murphy and said, "Murphy, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

Murphy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine for a couple of weeks until Paddy stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Well Paddy," said Murphy, "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs and only one of them will av one ear."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Again this worked OK until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears! How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Ah, tis is serious," said Murphy, "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail off my pig, ten we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one with a tail."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"Murphy!" shouted Paddy, "Your pig has chewed the tail off my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! How are we ever gonna tell 'em apart?"

"Ah, fook it!" says Murphy, "How about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"

A young man in the Old Wild West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. He practiced every day, but knew he was still missing something that would make him the best.

One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So the young fella went over to the old man and told him his dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

The young gunman did what he was told, then in a flash he drew his gun and shot the bow-tie off the piano player.

"Wow, that really helped! Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told, drew his gun in a blur and shot a cuff-link off the piano player.

"This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man, "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young man didn't hesitate and started putting the grease on the barrel of the gun.

"No, not just the barrel, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man!"

"But, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your as*, and it won't hurt so much!"

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still make a women happy 3 times a night. Cilla Black who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to find out more. Let's go back to my place and we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun."

So they went back to her place and had an hour of hanky-panky.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour and we can have a better time. But while I'm sleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed but says, "Okay."

He sleeps for half an hour then awakens, and it's better than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best yet. You'll have to......"

"I know Sean. Yer want me to hold on to yer bat'n'balls again. No problem."

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, Cilla asks, "Sean, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer wullie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla."

"It's just that the last time I slept with a scouser, she stole my wallet."

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili

remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a BJ during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking.. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.. Then at night I give the missus another screw......"

"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two

suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls

his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."