Any advice on how to keep friends' secrets or confidences without lying?

Addressing your specific example, there are a few techniques. Maybe the best is to be vague. "With [friend's name], it's a little hard to tell. She might be better, but I don't know for sure." <--Which is probably a true statement: you don't REALLY know for sure. You're not her.

Another technique is to offer your opinion rather than relay a confidence: "Gee, I don't know. She looks/seems better [or worse, or OK], but I could be wrong." Again, not a false statement... it's just your observation or opinion. Then you can add "What do you think?" to direct the focus away from yourself to the person that originally asked. If pressed, you can still deflect by elaborating on your observation rather than what you were told, or you can plead ignorance as in "We only spoke for a few minutes so we didn't get into it that much" or "I haven't seen her for 3 days so I really don't know how she's doing now." (If your info is 3 days old, you really don't know how she is doing now... you could only surmise.)

Another deflection is to not answer the question: "Oh you know how [friend's name] is. She's always dealing with [insert problem here]. I'm hoping she will get past that issue soon. You know, I've known other people that have [insert problem here], and it's tough to get over it. Remember [so-and-so, not the friend in question]? It took her 3 weeks to get back on her feet."

If you're asked directly "have you talked to her about it?", you can deflect: "Oh, we talk about lots of things. Do you know that [change subject]?" Or you can be honest: "We did talk about that and I wouldn't feel comfortable going into a lot of detail (or I think some of that was supposed to be between her and me)." However, the honest approach will just cause some people to keep digging. I'd probably go with deflection if at all possible.

So, in summary: Be vague, offer opinion or observation, or deflect by answering a different question, by answering the question with a question of your own, or by changing the subject. Hope this helps.

Lie.

Seriously.

People over-generalize about lying. There are times when lying is wrong (to get away with doing bad things, to cause harm). But there are times when lying is the RIGHT thing to do.

If people ask about someone who's having a rough time, is the same as if they aren't. "Fine." "OK." "As usual." -- anything vague is fine.

Stuff about people's lives is THEIR business, not everyone else's.

Where you know it to be the case, just answering that they'd "love to hear from you" is a GREAT response. Just don't answer the actual question. As you've noticed, doing so just leads to questions that it is NOT YOUR PLACE to answer. And hinting that there's something to know, and refusing to tell is just mean.

Uh, ignore anyone who gets mad at you for keeping other people's confidences. Those people are just being horrid. After all, if THEY told you something, they'd want you to keep THEIR secrets, wouldn't they?

A lot of people assume that everyone's stuff is THEIR business, just because they are curious (nosy). That doesn't make it true.

And, yes, being a friend that people can talk to without fear you'll blab is a HUGE good thing to do for your friends. It's part of being a REAL friend.

It's an honor that people trust you. Don't risk that trust over a false sense of honesty. It isn't a bad thing to not tell everybody everything that isn't their business.

So stop worrying about "technically untrue" -- that is IRRELEVANT. There are times to lie. Keeping someone else's secret is one of them.

Oh, and NEVER say that you HAVE a secret. Not only does that lead to questions and anger, and is just mean, but it leads people to assume the WORST possible things. (The person has a crush; if you tell that they have a secret, everyone will assume they're pregnant.)

Honesty is a good thing, but there are times when other values overrule it. Like I said, it's wrong to lie in order to harm people. But it isn't wrong to lie when that avoids harming people.

Just make a rule that you will not discuss anything you should not. And keep your rule for yourself. If someone presses you continue doing as you are doing and tell them to ask the person they are talking about. You are not lying when you say "fine", just not giving all the details and breaking a confidence. You are to be commended for not wanting to lie and gossip. We need more caring people like you in this world.Being true to yourself and keeping your word is a very commendable trait to have. I am sure you have heard, "your word is your bond". A good thing to have. Good luck and God bless.

Kudos for not wanting to gossip. You are an honourable rare breed.

1.a) Before someone shares a secret, advise them that you will 'always act in what you believe is their best interest'. The implication is that if they share some misdeed, you might report it, in favour of them learning to avoid said misdeed in future. If they share fewer secrets, then you have less to worry about revealing by accident.

b) Refuse to listen to things about 3rd parties. "I'm sorry, I'd rather hear that directly from ____, (rather than through the grapevine)". Then change the subject, or leave the room.

2. Feel free to risk 'alienating or pissing off' - that's their "emotional immaturity", for pushing for confidential details. If they know you will guard someone else's honour (by testing it), then you have an opportunity to prove yourself trustworthy to them. They might actually be hurting, and looking for someone they can trust. The best way (or so they think) to evaluate your trust, is to attempt to break it with someone else. Appeal to them with the golden rule: "You wouldn't want me to gossip about you, or break your trust, don't push me to gossip about someone else." As a last resort, "if you really care about ____, ask them yourself."

I might consider asking your friends not to confide secrets to you because you feel uncomfortable when people ask you questions. I might also say that the people who ask are their friends and when they have problems they should gather their friends around them for support.

You could just say, "I am not sure, why don't you call them". or " I think ok but give them a call" That should leave you feeling true to yourself and your friends.

It is hard to balance when to inform others especially if you feel the people asking want to help or are really concerned and not just wanting to gossip.

As I see it, you have 1 of 2 options-1). do not lie there is no money in it(he he), sometimes the truth hurts a lie you can not take back. 2). stop being friends. If you are finding yourself and compromise your beliefs more than one, than a re-evaluation on your friendship should happen, again going back to answer 1). lying hurts more.

Hope this helps.

My response is always,well gee I'm not so sure about it.

The last time I talked to the person,I was told to keep it to myself.

You know how that is,I think it best if you give 'em a call and see what's up.

If the other person is persisting on prying,I would just repeat ....as I told you....go and call...I don't know what else to say.Now let's move on and talk about some other stuff ,O.K.

It is one you have to work on constantly and my advice would be to put mind into gear before answering, a problem I face all of the time.

I can keep a seceret but it`s the people I tell that can`t { ha ha }

Just say "I don't have the proper clearance to answer that particular question".