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Zheia
Lv 6
Zheia fragte in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · vor 1 Jahrzehnt

This is my most recent poem. It is about how natural things decay back to soil, but not man made objects?

Whereby Upon

Whereby upon our deaths

Or emerging lives traversing soils

Upon which lie discarded bony branches

Cut from emerging trees

To become

That from whence they came ~

And under sky, rain with wind,

Forces swim while drone bees encircle

Navigating ripples flexed by south wind;

Petals, fallen leaves

Shroud creatures dried on their backs,

That find their way, or their way is found ~

Back to ground, dissolved, abound,

Whereby upon their deaths slices water

In front withdrawing asides,

Behind its curtain closing

To dark,

Merely where light's finger has yet to touch.

What remains refuses departure,

Never a stray spirit or phantom's woe;

As monuments to plasticity stand,

Becoming new headstones, whereby

Upon our deaths after all else walks

Such moulded tombs, metal, and poisoned gold ~

Sit, wait, piled, impenetrable to all

But stale air wisps,

Microbials and their kin; eventually

Whereupon moulded death such cavities appear

Where suffocating weight collapses

As roots pierce through from whence they came.

Where would each apple fall

If after yielding

For Autumnal harvest

They stand petrified

On tideless shores

Where only salt from sea breeze accompanies~

Whereupon ground's nourishing

To nothing,

Voids' dark,

And decayless,

Where not even we could walk

Lest fruits born fell from aged stalk.

5 Antworten

Relevanz
  • Anonym
    vor 1 Jahrzehnt
    Beste Antwort

    OK, but you take a l-o-n-g time to say something fairly straightforward.

    There's a touch of the verbal alcoholism here, and it could do with some trimming.

    You're obviously fascinated with language and how to shape it. I would question the length and complexity of your expressions, though.

    And I don't see the purpose of your slightly antiquated style.

    Interesting poem, though, worth re-reading.

  • Anonym
    vor 1 Jahrzehnt

    I'm sorry but i don't like it .

    It's all there , the mindset , the vocabulary and the depth , but it doesn't (for me) tie together .

    If i can try to be helpful i would say write the above as a story then work to shorten it using the minimum of words in order to make it a poem .

    Whereby upon our deaths we lay

    The neutral soil traversing

    Like discarded boney branches fall

    Amongst the shrubs emerging

    An all at once they do become

    That from whence they came

    Its your poem i just wrote it as i would .

  • vor 1 Jahrzehnt

    I think words like 'whereby, decayless, tideless, ' spoil the poem.

    it comes over to me as a bit dark, unvivid, sombre - why not try to write ina more positive verin - people dont want to read poems that have an aura of sadness, negativity, and misery.

    gd luck

  • vor 1 Jahrzehnt

    I'm sure it's a great poem but it's to long for my simple mind

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  • vor 1 Jahrzehnt

    I like your motif.

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