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This is my most recent poem. It is about how natural things decay back to soil, but not man made objects?
Whereby Upon
Whereby upon our deaths
Or emerging lives traversing soils
Upon which lie discarded bony branches
Cut from emerging trees
To become
That from whence they came ~
And under sky, rain with wind,
Forces swim while drone bees encircle
Navigating ripples flexed by south wind;
Petals, fallen leaves
Shroud creatures dried on their backs,
That find their way, or their way is found ~
Back to ground, dissolved, abound,
Whereby upon their deaths slices water
In front withdrawing asides,
Behind its curtain closing
To dark,
Merely where light's finger has yet to touch.
What remains refuses departure,
Never a stray spirit or phantom's woe;
As monuments to plasticity stand,
Becoming new headstones, whereby
Upon our deaths after all else walks
Such moulded tombs, metal, and poisoned gold ~
Sit, wait, piled, impenetrable to all
But stale air wisps,
Microbials and their kin; eventually
Whereupon moulded death such cavities appear
Where suffocating weight collapses
As roots pierce through from whence they came.
Where would each apple fall
If after yielding
For Autumnal harvest
They stand petrified
On tideless shores
Where only salt from sea breeze accompanies~
Whereupon ground's nourishing
To nothing,
Voids' dark,
And decayless,
Where not even we could walk
Lest fruits born fell from aged stalk.
5 Antworten
- Anonymvor 1 JahrzehntBeste Antwort
OK, but you take a l-o-n-g time to say something fairly straightforward.
There's a touch of the verbal alcoholism here, and it could do with some trimming.
You're obviously fascinated with language and how to shape it. I would question the length and complexity of your expressions, though.
And I don't see the purpose of your slightly antiquated style.
Interesting poem, though, worth re-reading.
- Anonymvor 1 Jahrzehnt
I'm sorry but i don't like it .
It's all there , the mindset , the vocabulary and the depth , but it doesn't (for me) tie together .
If i can try to be helpful i would say write the above as a story then work to shorten it using the minimum of words in order to make it a poem .
Whereby upon our deaths we lay
The neutral soil traversing
Like discarded boney branches fall
Amongst the shrubs emerging
An all at once they do become
That from whence they came
Its your poem i just wrote it as i would .
- SolusiaLv 5vor 1 Jahrzehnt
I think words like 'whereby, decayless, tideless, ' spoil the poem.
it comes over to me as a bit dark, unvivid, sombre - why not try to write ina more positive verin - people dont want to read poems that have an aura of sadness, negativity, and misery.
gd luck
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