It is just a rough draft and it may be a little dark but what do you think of this?

As you said it's a rough draft. It needs some work but all in all it's really not too bad. The final draft should be quite good.

It's not all bad, a little too goth-ish for my tastes, a little too self-pitying really, but...meh, whatever your tastes are.

Rather than offer some know-it-all critique I'd rather show you what formatting and a tad more innovative word choice can do for you (If I may be so bold...)

Some seclude themselves within their minds:

They hide from the world,

Fleeing the stresses of mundane lives,

They relax, they focus and unwind.

But, In my mind there is no relief,

No respite from the world,

Only voices of the nether...

Cloud my thoughts, and leech my peace...

They haunt me, they taunt me...

They beckon me nearer

They draw me closer to the end in the mirror

No peace for me- they won't let me be.

Their chorus, a bell,

That chimes without end

They possess me, they haunt me

These demons from Hell,

I have no light, within my mind

They chip at my being,

and steal me away

My life a feast, on which they dine

Gouged with agony that will never stop,

The struggle unmerciful,

They pilfer my soul-

Time, my enemy and soon I will drop.

Perhaps in surrender I'll find my salvation,

Perhaps in succombing, the void will be filled...

Perhaps when I leave me

I'll finally be free

Yeah. So anyway, I tried to capture your overall meaning, and did my best to stay faithful to your word choice, though several times you'll note I did take creative liscense. If you like it consider it a gift and call it your own. If you don't then...errr...oh well. Never read it again.

Don't listen to the first responce, that person is a DICK, I think it was like you said , dark but it was very good.You captured and coneyed the feelings of hopelessness and despondance quite well. I write words and music, I am currently recording my 2nd CD and I think you should be proud at what you have. The only advice I would give you is not on your ability to write but just to try and write something uplifting after you get this particular inspiration out, I wrote one whole project of songs that are dark and I had to take some time to get back to my quirky self. Keep up the writing and good luck.

Its good, reminds me of early Metallica songs.

When you write like this, you should use paragraphs to mark your breaks, instead of just commas. write like this:

MOTORBREATH

(J. Hetfield) Metallica

Living and dying, Laughing and crying

Once you have seen it you will never

be the same

Life in the fast lane is just how it seems

Hard and it is heavy and mean

Motorbreath

Its how I live my life

I can't take it any other way

Motorbreath

The sign of living fast

Its going to take

Your Breath Away

Don't stop for nothing its full speed

or nothing

I am taking down you know whatever is

in my way

Getting your kicks as you are shooting

the line

Sending shivers up and down your spine

Actually I like it just the way it is. Very cool, I can imagine someone preforming this, and saying it outloud just as it is written now. Amazing job!

try posting this at www.deviantart.com

and u'll get e most intelligent comments.

they have communities for great writeups

Wow. I can't think of anything to say but wow. It is amazing and should be published.

was so boring i quit reading it sorry