Song lyrics for your opinion. What do you think of my work?

Question

It's kind of Dave Matthews meets Hal Ketchum. Here goes:

Square One

Sundown becomes sunset fast
The future becomes the past
Lists of dreams that didn't last
The die of fate is cast
Another day come and gone
Always back to Square One

The Spinners, Bob Seger then Kid Rock
On sale items go out of stock
Doors open, then they lock
Constant circling of the clock
The chimes ring in a steady run
Always back to Square One

On and on and on and on and on
On and on and on and on and on

Fashion picks another style
Signposts add another mile
Shredded papers from a file
More changes all the while
You win some, and you lose some
Always back to Square One

Birth, nurtured, until grown
Another promised seed is sown
Try to learn all the unknown
Black then green then brown the lawn
A little more rain, a little sun
Always back to Square one

On and on and on and on and on
On and on and on and on and on

Proud parents' daughter or son
First lose innocence then the fun
You're lonesome, you choose someone
Lucky at love and then it's gone

Spiral down the heart forlorn
Just to find a better one
All the power of King Kong
Hopeful scavengers led along
Until your call to life is done
Always back to Square One

Always back to Square One

Laughing Dolphin Music			
March 22, 2012

Hal · Accepted Answer

Ok....I can feel the rhythm of this one a little better. I'm going to start with the first
verse and make a few small changes....see what you think.

Sundown becomes sunset fast
The future then becomes the past,
and lists of dreams that didn't last.
Now the die of fate is cast.
Another day has now begun
Again I'm back to square one.

Second verse feels real good.
I think you want them to consistently
end the same (Always back to square one)
and that phrase does make sense
I just wanted the last line in the first verse
to rhyme with the line before it.

Fourth verse:
Birth, nurtured until grown. (no comma after nurtured)

last verse:
I would want to find something other than "King Kong"
to go in that spot...must be something?

All in all it feels like a good message/story
I'm not sure what musical rhythm I would put
with it, if any. You my already know how you want
it to sound like in that respect.

Song lyrics for your opinion. What do you think of my work?

1 Antwort