Why am I feeling like this so long after my dad died?

i know just how you feel. i lost both parents. and like you if i blame myself. if i would have just done someting or spoke up, who knows both parents would be here today.

my dad passed away 7 years ago. he died of kidney failure on a dialysis machine. he was a diabetic. in 1999 he had surgery on his back because our family doctor diagnosed him with "spinal stenosis" but my mothers doctor made the correct diagnosis he had ''neuropathy'' and the surgery a "laminectomy" damaged his kidneys. i could have said something like ''don't have the surgery'' but i didn't and now i regret it.after that he got worse and worse until his kidneys shut down. he spent a month in the hospital until one Saturday April 12 2003 they called and said he just dies on the dialysis machine.

my mother just passed away 1 year 6 month ago on march 8 2009. i still haven gotten over it. i still cry like a baby, sometimes all day, at losing her. because its my fault. she was very sick the last few months of her life. she took a flop in the bathroom,and was never the same since. when she was in the emergency room i should have said ''stay let them try and help you'' but i didn't. i was so afraid she would die there i said ''you could sign yourself out, the doctor said there is no broken bones, so why stay'' i will regret those words for the rest of my life. because she died here in our apartment. i woke up at 3am and found her not breathing. life for me has been a nightmare since the day she died.

i see a psychiatrist for my depression, and other things. i also have group therapy twice a month. it really helps to tell someone face to face what your feeling.

if you can see a psychiatrist, you should. it will really help you to have a friendly ear to listen to all your problems and emotions that you feel. he might even prescribe medication for you that will help you cope with living.

I believe that you are still having such a difficult time because you feel that your dad would have been alright if his doctor had been around & if you'd given your dad a kidney. You feel so much guilt. The thing is that you don't really know if either of those would have helped & I have the feeling (having been a nurse) that they probably wouldn't have. Fifteen years is a long time to be struggling with this. I understand that you don't want to talk to friends about it, because they'd have a hard time seeing why you feel this way. You really do need to talk this out with someone who understands though. I would try to find a minister or counselor. Don't be discouraged if you don't feel better right away. Sometimes in counseling you'll start to feel worse before you feel better (because you're opening wounds again), or sometimes a certain counselor may just not be the right one for you. Try to keep in mind that your dad would not want you to feel this way. You also can't change the past & need to try to deal with what you have. Start doing some nice things for yourself & trying not to feel guilty when you enjoy then. You will still have some ups & downs. Hopefully you'll start to have more ups, than downs until things level out. Being the way life is you will need to face this with your mom too someday. Enjoy time with her now, but also keep doing those things for yourself. You need to find a balance in life & not feel so much guilt. I wish you the best.

This Site Might Help You.

RE:

Why am I feeling like this so long after my dad died?

Whats wrong with me O Lord.

I lost my dad 15 years ago on Oct 16th I know I always have ahrd time this time of year as the day is getting closer but I feel so lost now. Last night I was online I looked up his old doctors name and I just got so depressed, I looked up what he died from and I couldnt...

I would go. The thing is that you hear everyone's version about what happened but you dont know for sure that he didnt try to see you. Quite a few of mothers banish the dads immediatly since they are mad and then criticize them for not being there. Im not saying that is what your mom did but it is very common and in all the stress of the birth time she may not even remember that. New moms tend to be protective and angry at the father . Anyway, You need to become your own person and go if you think it a good thing to do and it seems like you want to go to me. I dont think , however, that you should go just to say things to him since he isnt going to be there. But you need to get beyond having your brothers be mad at you if you go since perhaps they would realize what a magnanimous person you are to go-even when you never met him. My sympathy to you