Know any funny jokes??!?

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

South America..Its like America, But SOUTH!!

I like the way she says the word SOUTH!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

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Fifty-one years ago,Herman James,a North Carolina mountain man,was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training,the army issued him a comb.That afternoon the Army barber

sheared off all his hair.

On his second day,the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.That afternoon the Army dentist yanked

seven of his teeth out.

On the third day,the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I? Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?

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There was this woman , and she takes a lover during

the day, while her husband is at work. Without her knowing, her 9 year

old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly,

so she hides the lover in the closet, where the little boy is also

hiding.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover

end up in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

Man - remembering last time, asks, "How much?"

Boy - "$750."

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove.

Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to

church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the

confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again!"

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Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.

AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.

AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK...they are called managers.

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The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She c