Does the twist at the end work, or not?

Question

Sultry darkness, a magical place
Silvered moonlight on the lake,
Barely a ripple on mirrored sheen
Blank canvass on which to dream

The wings of death are furled and still
huddled feathers thwart winters chill
High up on their frosty bough, 
The tiny creatures safe for now

But down upon the forest floor 
predators that hiss not roar
that steal up on their tiny prey
to snatch their very lives away

And with morning comes the Man
when morning chill and mists are gone
The tiny creatures cower in fear
Humans are aien creatures there 

My dream land's many miles from here
a land of rabbits, falcons, deer
No this haven of tranquillity
is muich closer to our great city

An Oasis of calm and still
Silently enduring winters chill
A haven keeping beasts from harm
The Hackney Marshes sewage farm

Anonym · Accepted Answer

Your verse is lovely . So much so that the reality line at the end doesn't fit. You will have to parody it so that it says much the same but less of 'a slap in the face' for the reader who is enjoying your serenade.

The Fraziers · Answer

of the two possible endings you gave, I would say the original one is best. I like the twist. 
Though, there was a part of the poem that you didn't rhyme very well. In the entire poem you did rhyme so it sort of makes the non rhyming section out of place. And I'm referring to the lines that end in Man Gone Fear and There. 
Other than that, great poem. I love the imagery in it. I could picture everything. 

Though a sewage farm doesn't sound attractive LOL.

Knell · Answer

I think the twist at the end has a fun site to it but it depends on how people want to interpret it and also  how you as a writer want to interpret your own poem .I think it is a great poem and would say keep up the good work Knell 22

kaththea s · Answer

I like it.  Nice swizzle on the adaptability of animals.

Nicolas flamel · Answer

this is a lovley poem. dont waste it, please. yourslapping the reader in the face, just as someone else said. dont. this version, however, could be used as a parity as someone else said. your poetry is good, dont waste it

James · Answer

for me, it works. it is a big twist.

Daniel T · Answer

no, duh.

Does the twist at the end work, or not?

7 Antworten