Adoptees, what would you have changed, if anything, in how you were told that you were adopted?

I do not remember, I have always known. I think it could have been handled better, but I cannot blame my parents, as I was a BSE baby, circa 1965. they did what the agency told them to do, which was to say "Your mommy loved you so much she gave you up for adoption", which really messed with my head. They also used the "chosen child" b.s., and the "You grew not under my heart, but in it" line. Nice sentiments, but very condescending to an adoptee, as neither statement is true. We are not chosen, they were the next parents in line, lol. But, that was the way it was back then. I have often said if the agency told them to dress me in a Little Orphan Annie costume, they would have. They're very old school.

I think it is important to tell the child as soon as possible, but to make sure the child "gets it", by bringing the subject up again at appropriate times. Make sure they feel comfortable talking about their first family- even if no details are known. Make sure that they do not feel guilty for missing them, and loving them.

Acknowledge their differences, ie, if they are musical and you are not, say, "Maybe you get your musical ability from your first dad". Acknowledge any triggers they may have (birthdays are sometimes very bittersweet for adoptees) and let them know it's ok to miss them.

Again, my parents were old school, so nothing was really ever talked about. No matter how you slice it, adoption starts with loss. The loss of a child to their first parents, a loss of our first family, and in most cases, the loss of being able to conceive for our a parents. My life would have been much better had those things happened. My "story" was shrouded in secrecy, and wasn't talked about openly until I searched. My parents "get it" now, and our relationship is so much better now that we all feel ok talking bout it.

I'm glad that my aparents told me at such a young age that I can't remember learning that I was adopted. It was just part of the stories about the family that they told me, like how they met, where they were married, etc. Finding out when you're older can be traumatic, or so I'm told. If you tell them younger, you also have the opportunity to help them with any emotional fall-out that might result from being adopted. I firmly believe that I wouldn't have nearly as many emotional problems in this arena if my aparents had been informed about adopted child syndrome, and had learned how to help me when I was still very young. Back in the 1980's, they just didn't tell aparents these things.

How was I told? - I was 31 and an older cousin finally broke the secret. Her mother only knew what the agency had told my parents. My a'mom was already several years deceased and my a'dad refused to acknowledge my adoption. He took whatever he knew to his grave 23 years after I found out.

Honestly - I don't know if I would have liked to have grown up in the era of secrecy knowing I was adopted. The attitudes were so different. If I were growing up now, I would have liked to do so in an open adoption where I would have a relationship with my extended first family. To have always known where you came from - what a breath of fresh air!

I am the third of three adopted children (we're all from different families--no common genes at all). So my AP's were already well practiced in telling us the truth by the time I came along. I don't ever remember being told, so I must have been told from the very beginning.

I firmly believe that this is the correct way to address this issue!

I probably figured it out at the age of 2. If not then, definitely by 3. I could tell ethnic difference at the of age of 2, so my parents probably brought it up then. I seriously don't even remember.

I think the line that most drove me nuts was "She loved you so much she gave you up."

That made no sense! This is why:

"1. It is not true-most mothers lose their children to adoption because they are poor and unsupported, and see or are lead to see no alternatives to adoption. It is not their love that causes the loss; it is society’s construction.

2. It creates for the child the equation that when we love people or things, we lose them. In Part 2 of the book, Verrier takes up the second of these, that this explanation continues to impair the basic trust in relationships that all people must feel in order to successful form productive adult relationships. She shows how this and other effects of mother/child separation play out across the lifespan of the adopted child and adult. This section is most helpful for mothers contemplating ‘an adoption plan’ (losing their children)-it spells out possible effects experienced by most adopted children. This is not information shared by adoption broker, agencies and lawyers, who are not paid unless and until the mother has succumbed to their prettier views of adoption."

My parents should have said "She loved you BUT could not keep you because she lacked any resources to raise you at the time."

I wouldn't change anything about the way I was told. I've always known. I don't remember being told because I was too young to remember it. I think that's the best way. I can't imagine being sat down and 'told' something like that.

I'm pretty happy I always just knew.

I found out I was adopted when I was 12 years old. I am fine with it. The only thing I would change is I wish I could find my biological family easier :)

Nothing! I have always known I was adopted for as long as I can remember!

I was told before I was in school, but I figured it out before they told me. But I remember that my parents made my brother (hes adopted too, but from diff birth parents) and I sit down in the den and they just said it. They never gave any details about my birth parents or why they gave me up, and I wish they did.

Wouldn't have made any difference whatsoever.