Adoptees, enough, or too much?

about right, but a couple of things i had issues were was my parents saying "before she was born" etc as if they saw me being born or something. that kind of ticked me off, seems silly in a practical sense because it IS before I was born, but they weren't there to witness it so it seems odd for them to talk about me existing to them when they didnt even know I existed until I was 5 months old. Sometimes they would say "before (my name insterted)" which felt better, before i existed to them not before i was born.

the other thing was it's all great to talk about me being adopted but they hardly talked about anything ABOUT my adoption, they didnt even tell me I was fostered until I suddenly had a memory of when I was fostered into their home (yes) when I was 5 months old. I asked them whether this memory was true and they said yes and obviously couldnt believe i remembered it. I remember it as vivid as it happened yesterday. I also discovered MANY facts about my adoption via snooping. My parents needed to tell me more about my adoption experience not just say that i was adopted.

My parents did an okay job though, they tried their best. However, by not talking about it much it meant I felt pressured to hold in my feelings.

Jessica, I don't cry and sob at funerals too for my relatives, I always thought I was heartless but maybe it's just that I've learned to bottle up my feelings so well it has become a skill. I feel sad but I dont dare show my feelings.

I'm only the sibling of adopted children, but looking back I think my parents maybe put too much focus on the adoption. Both my brothers could REMEMBER it, so it's not like there was ever really a question of hiding the information. Still, I think one of my brothers may have revolted a bit less in terms of the "I'm running away to find my REAL family" if the adoption wasn't so frequently talked about.

It is sometimes hard though, for parents not to talk about it. It my brothers case, for example, they were mentally retarded but NOT downs syndrome. This means that when people met them, and they acted differently, in order to make the people realize my brothers weren't being sarcastic or purposefully rude often meant my parents had to explain that they were metally retarded. Being that all my parents other children were on the other end of the spectrum, and my brothers were not downs syndrome (the most usual portrayal of retarded people) people often asked questions about exactly WHAT was wrong with them. When the answer is "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome" it's almost impossible to not then explain that they are adopted... particularly for me, my brothers, and my father. I mean, it's really not fair to my mother to let people think that she was some kind of alcoholic that didn't care what it did to her kids when the opposite is the case. Thus, the fact that my brothers were adopted came out almost every time we met ANYONE in anything more personal than a waitress in a restaurant.

I don't think it really bothered the older of the two, but the younger of the two was pre-inclined to anger, hysterics, and just general contrariness. (Strangely, he is also preinclined to extreme affection. The result of which is he could love you to death, and hug you every other second and then turn around and scream at you that he hated you and never wanted to see you again.) I think the fact that the adoption, particularly when it was almost always tied to an explanation of abnormality, was so often mentioned in or lives was one of the main reasons he fixated on it as a cause of pain in his life. I'm not sure exactly how things could have been handled better - but I still think the over-recognition of the adoption was definitely a problem in his case.

Most of the time in the privacy of our own home, there was just the right amount of focus. I mean, once they told me (at age six -- don't make that mistake, tell them from the beginning) it was only really discussed if/when I asked about it.

With the extended family though, there was way too much focus. I even had an aunt that wanted me to date her son (my cousin in my eyes) cause since I wasn't blood related it wouldn't matter. (We were only six days apart and had pretty much grown up together!) So, try to make sure that your friends and family don't make an issue out of it either as it hurts.

I did want to also add though that even though I loved my adopted parents (they are both dead now) and have never wanted to meet my birth mother or father, that there is definitely always this "gap"...this wondering and not knowing. But then, I was adopted a loooong time ago, lol! Back when the birth records were sealed and in the state I live in, to have them unsealed is a pretty big hassle and not worth my time or money.

Being an adoptee is a significant part of my identity, and my parents always acknowledged this. They accepted my curiosity about my past and tried as best as they could to answer my questions.

They had more trouble coming to terms with the fact that genetics played a huge role in who I was rather than parenting. They very much believed a child's development had more to do with "nurture" than "nature" and they did a very good job at nurturing me. However I felt the difference all the time because I looked nothing like them, and was very different in personality, attitude etc...I wish they had focussed more on these issues growing up.

Overall, though, my parents did a pretty good job and honoring who I am, without tying every life experience to me being adopted. Being adopted is an important part of who I am but it is only one part. My parents recognized this.

I was adopted and my hubby and I adopted 2 children. All three of us, knew that we were adopted, at a very early age- and yes, it was talked about, always in the positive= however we did not make it a topic of conversation to everyone we met. I was my adopted parents child, just as if I had been their biological child- and our 2 children are our children. Bio families don't talk about there children being biological, so why should adoptees have to emphasis it to others- we are not ashamed of it, as a matter of fact extremely happy to be adopted, so don't think that any of us were trying to hide the fact.

Definitely not enough. And the fact that they never talked about it was a silent indication to me that I was not supposed to talk about it. That was later confirmed.

I get so upset when I hear adoptive parents say they will talk about adoption when their children bring it up. Rarely will the child brooch the subject - and it's up to parents to lead conversations in many different areas of life - why is adoption the one that is supposed to be child-led.

WE have to let our children guide us to an extent in this area, as in all areas. Every child is different and has different needs and responses to adoption. But that being said, I think some parents sort of overdo it a bit with pointing out their child's adoption, especially telling their child's adoption "story". This is private information that belongs to the child alone. MOST children just want to be children, like everyone else.

they changed my name and hid who i was..i think there wasnt enough focus on it and at 16 told me i was a slut just like my birth mother..they never talked about her in a good way she was just this evil person...i was never supposed to tell my half brother that i was adopted with that we had a sister and two other brothers..because i could remember i was two and a half and can tell you what they were wearing the last time i saw them..i am lucky i met my sister and my oldest brother last year after i paid someone to find them..it was the best thing ever....and i got to rub it in my adoptive mothers face.....because she hid all of that from me...its a shame it took me 36 years and the last ten not speaking to my adoptive mother until my half brothers wedding last year..and she didnt know me or my two kids...now thats a shame

i think no focus on the fact that a child is adopted is a good thing, as it makes them feel more like a part of the family. for years i never thought about the fact that i was adopted except when i pointed it out to people just so they would know, but my family and their friends love me and treat me as if i've been a member all my life. now that i am an adult, i am more aware that i am not a real part of the family as i am very different then my family members in the way i think, feel, react to, and do things. but i feel some of that has to do with my life experiences and how i deal with them. i'm the only one in my family who doesn't get all upset when someone dies. if there is a lot of focus on the fact that a child is adopted then i feel like he/she can't even begin to feel like a part of the family and may act out and develop bad behavior which would cause them to be deviant later on in life

i think there was just enough. the fact that i was adopted wasn't hidden but it wasn't thrown in my face either. sometimes my mom would say "i heard [your biological mom] had thick pretty hair too, you must get that from her", or "your biological father's family must have been really tall!"

so it wasn't like a dark secret, but she didn't go around introducing me as her adopted daughter either. usually i would be the one mentioning that i was adopted when people asked why i looked different or something.