piercing radiance

the MTADS/PNVS systems will light my cheap a$$ active IR goggles up like hiroshima...i mean they SHOULD be able to see im just a bro lookin at them in my backyard as they circle over....im just worried will they they notify local authority to come check up or start circling my house or something :)

well i stopped pokin' smot because i would like to be 'the best that i can be' and remember how it feels to be vivid and quick-witted and all that, plus they dont let stoners into the military. it has been about a week and a half.

since the day after i quit, when my body realized that the steady stream is stopping (i smoked pretty constantly for like 5 years, also did other things), i have had incredibly disturbing, very vivid dreams. and mind you, NONE of my dreams have been pleasant or even neutral, always the kind you wake up and just think 'oh wow' for like an hour. they are all unusually long and detailed. ill give you a rundown of a few just so you can see what i mean:

the first and most disturbing dream: suddenly there is no infrastructure; no phone, TV, internet, etc.its daylight, and there are US Navy personnel going door to door with weapons. my dad throws me an AR-15 and we are walking through thousands of confused people in a big city, with cops walking around too. then my dad is gone and everyone is running screaming, like in a zombie movie but in every direction. i cant tell who is human or not. im standing over a ledge with a horde below and people are just jumping off the ledge, right next to me, with babies in arms. not even hesitating, or screaming or anything. just hundreds of people running and jumping.

in another dream there was an electric grim reaper that would shoot down in a lightning bolt, from the blackest storm clouds you have ever seen. he would proceed to slit the throats of people around me but spare me every time, only to terrify me later.

another one, i was hiking through what looked like a ruined space ship, like in dead space, only there is more rubble and no windows whatsoever and very little light. the shadows are alive and the walls are insane; i am convinced that if i make my way down into the underside of the massive, meandering 'structure' there will be a way out; when i get there, all i see is a massive dark hole- a portal to hell.

in Boise Idaho. dont tell me to look up the laws, i want an answer. what will i be charged with? PLEASE DONT ANSWER IF YOU ARENT SURE. DONT ANSWER TELLING ME TO 'NOT ASK ON A WEBSITE DUMMY GET A LAWYER' because you are the one being the idiot if that is the case.

i have no criminal history, i was compliant entirely and gave zero lip. They pulled me over for running a light on accident (long story but true) and i was POSITIVE they were going to make up a reason to search the car under whatever pretext they could make up (so no consent wasnt an option in the long run), i told him i had a knife on me (cold steel thrower, yes it was concealed) they ARRESTED ME (can you believe it!). please...tell me i wont get jail time....

in Boise Idaho. dont tell me to look up the laws, i want an answer. what will i be charged with? DONT ANSWER IF YOU ARENT SURE.

i have no criminal history, i was compliant entirely and gave zero lip. They pulled me over for running a light on accident (long story but true) and i was POSITIVE they were going to make up a reason to search the car under whatever pretext they could make up (so no consent wasnt an option in the long run), i told him i had a knife on me (cold steel thrower, yes it was concealed) they ARRESTED ME (can you believe it!). please...tell me i wont get jail time....

i was smoking a cigarette. a helicopter was flying west to east, a few hundred feet off the ground a bit away from the house. i watched it amble by as i put out the butt. as i began to take my eyes off the chopper, a courtroom sized, triangle-ish, grey-ish, object with an incredibly bright, flashing light in the center shot out from the eastern horizon, flew silently at least 700 feet above the chopper incredibly fast to the west. it crossed the horizon in less than a second and a half, before i even had time to realize what i may be looking at.

i shat bricks. i have seen jets- i have personally seen a stealth bomber, both parked and flying, it wasnt that. i have seen f-22s, f-15s, f-16s, MiGs, i have been in regular planes too. it wasnt a fighter, it wasnt a jet, it certainly wasnt a satellite, it definitely wasnt a comet or burning debris. it didnt look human. it wasnt swamp gas or a balloon, it looked CONSTRUCTED, like it was made. what the hell?

i have about 23 oxen worth of kennedy half dollars, already sold the silver ones, now i just want to swap out the circulated regulars for cash....if i walk into a bank with them rolled up somehow, will they accept trade for cash?

i looked up the laws on google and they said you have to be 21 for handguns, you can be 18 and buy 'rifles and shotguns' but they worded it in such a way that it sounded like they were talking about hunting style long rifles, not tactical/carbine rifles...just curious if an 18 year old or above could get what im talking about in Idaho

example:

"neanderthals settled central Asia, sometime before 60 Kya"

in terms of pre-columbian cultures, there doesn't seem to be much info on people in the idaho/great basin area. i can only find info on people existing west of the Mississippi or south of the border and beyond.

preferably please from a soldier or police officer who has been shot before with fully automatic weapon(s)?

so i just looked at a heli that flew overby, im just wondering since i know night vision goggles use infrared technology that looks like a flashlight when you point it in a mirror, would the heli pilot see my infrared and think i was trying to flag him or something? im afraid me moving around mightve looked like i was trying to do morse code ha....the main worry.....is the FBI going to raid my house or something?

they look dark brown and splotchy..my legs are weak and shaking i feel like i have no energy even though i ate...help

it smells like burning wood sometimes outside. like not just outside my house but everywhere, when there is no obvious reason. why is this?

my dreams tend to be....rather psychedelic and "cosmic" in nature. they are typically unknowable and exotic. my mind is a beautiful thing....but last night in my sleep my imagination was more powerful than i would have liked.

the dream was going along normally, with no outwardly negative or positive emotions or events to make it even somewhat significant or memorable. the events are as follows:

I was walking in a brightly lit above ground parking garage, several stories up. it was the type whos sides are open, letting in sunlight. in front of me was a tall, pretty looking girl wearing news reporter clothes. she looked quite professional. she was walking in front of me, and for some reason, i felt me and her were somehow companions and that we had a destination (idk what, you know how dreams are). she didnt speak, nor turn around. we came up on a hole in the floor, what looked like a mortar blast. (this didnt strike me as odd even though it was out of place). since we needed to get down, i knew then we would simply hop down and continue waltzing along, fine and dandy. NO. this is where it gets scary. she hopped down the hole. keep in mind she never spoke, and before this i never saw her face.

i approached the hole to jump down my self. as i got close, she slowly rose BACK out of the hole. (which means she was floating). she was facing me this time. she had looked nice and manicured before she jumped in. but now her hair was matted in sweat and grease, and was slightly wavy because of how filthy it was. (type in antje traue pandorum on google image and you will know what it looked like. second pic.) her skin was grayish and dripping with sweat. she was shaking and trembling wildly. her hands were straight down at her side. her posture was stiff. i could not see her eyes through her hair, but i could see the glint of moisture, so i knew she was looking at me. then she tilted her head up diagonally, her hair parted so i could see the eyes in between it. oh god the eyes....THE EYES....the surrounding tissue was pulled out, so you could see the nasty eye lining and the built-up blood gathering around her eyes. they looked like torture eyes...massive, bulging, pained, except they were unnaturally insane. literally the most insane looking eyes i had ever seen, awake or not. they gleamed with a demonic rage i have never imagined. the iris's were filled with dark violet/blackish coagulated blood, so as not to see her pupils. the whites were greyish with veins that bulged SO MUCH THEY GAVE TEXTURE TO THE EYE. UGH! yet they were frozen unnaturally wide. you could stab someone in the gut and light them on fire and there eyes still wouldn't be that wide. keep in mind she was shaking like a crazy nut. her mouth then opened, extended open far beyond human capability, while oozing saliva like the thing from alien. it was a black void inside. no tongue or teeth. then she let loose a low-pitched torture/death scream that sounding distinctly like a young woman screaming as low as she can but also getting tortured at the same time..with a hint of demon. this happened in like 5 seconds. before i reacted, her hands shot up like steel bars and grabbed both sides of my face. her filthy fingernails dug into my skin, and i could smell and feel the warm, nasty sweat of her palms on my face. the scream ended, and she went silent, except for gaping mouth taking in air, still stretched out. eyes still locked. at this point i felt she had control over me, my body went limp and i couldnt move. she slowly brought my face (feet dragging behind me as i couldnt move) WITHIN A CENTIMETER of her face. like as close as you can get without touching. SHE DIDNT BLINK (the tissue directly around the eye was being pulled out, i dont think she could) i wanted more than anything to look away from her eyes...yet no matter how hard i tried to look to the right she KEPT my eyes locked to hers. her mouth remained open, clear down passed my jaw, and literally almost pressed up against my cheek.(nasty!!) i could feel her putrid, hot breath brush over my face as she shakily breathed in and out. open your mouth wide and shiver, thats all i could hear. shaky breathing as i was forced to stare into the eyes of hell. i couldnt scream. i couldnt move. i couldnt BLINK. in dead silence. i knew then in the dream i was doomed to starve to death in her hands, while being forced to stare into those eyes and smell her breath and feel her sweat. it was quiet. and very, very, VERY disturbing. i have dreamed babies getting napalmed in front of their mothers. i have seen the end of the world in my sleep, whole cities being enslaved. yet this takes the cake as the most disturbing thing ever in a dream. the fact that it was so unexpected and happened after i had been dreaming about random things before....and happened within 10 seconds....is why it is so scary. the dream was normal and happy...then she jumped down...ugh..... she was wearing all black.

my dreams tend to be....rather psychedelic and "cosmic" in nature. they are typically unknowable and exotic. my mind is a beautiful thing....but last night in my sleep my imagination was more powerful than i would have liked.

the dream was going along normally, with no outwardly negative or positive emotions or events to make it even somewhat significant or memorable. the events are as follows:

I was walking in a brightly lit above ground parking garage, several stories up. it was the type whos sides are open, letting in sunlight. in front of me was a tall, pretty looking girl wearing news reporter clothes. she looked quite professional. she was walking in front of me, and for some reason, i felt me and her were somehow companions and that we had a destination (idk what, you know how dreams are). she didnt speak, nor turn around. we came up on a hole in the floor, what looked like a mortar blast. (this didnt strike me as odd even though it was out of place). since we needed to get down, i knew then we would simply hop down and continue waltzing along, fine and dandy. NO. this is where it gets scary. she hopped down the hole. keep in mind she never spoke, and before this i never saw her face.

i approached the hole to jump down my self. as i got close, she slowly rose BACK out of the hole. (which means she was floating). she was facing me this time. she had looked nice and manicured before she jumped in. but now her hair was matted in sweat and grease, and was slightly wavy because of how filthy it was. (type in antje traue pandorum on google image and you will know what it looked like. second pic.) her skin was grayish and dripping with sweat. she was shaking and trembling wildly. her hands were straight down at her side. her posture was stiff. i could not see her eyes through her hair, but i could see the glint of moisture, so i knew she was looking at me. then she tilted her head up diagonally, her hair parted so i could see the eyes in between it. oh god the eyes....THE EYES....the surrounding tissue was pulled out, so you could see the nasty eye lining and the like! they looked like fear eyes...massive, bulging, except they were unnaturally insane. literally the most insane looking eyes i had ever seen, awake or not. they gleamed with a demonic rage i have never imagined. the iris's were filled with dark violet/blackish coagulated blood, so as not to see her pupils. the whites were greyish with veins that bulged SO MUCH THEY GAVE TEXTURE TO THE EYE. UGH! yet they were frozen unnaturally wide. you could stab someone in the gut and light them on fire and there eyes still wouldn't be that wide. keep in mind she was shaking like a crazy nut. her mouth then opened, extended open far beyond human capability, while oozing saliva like the thing from alien. it was a black void inside. no tongue or teeth. then she let loose a low-pitched torture/death scream that chills my very soul right now. this happened in like 5 seconds. before i reacted, her hands shot up like steel bars and grabbed both sides of my face. her filthy fingernails dug into my skin, and i could smell and feel the warm, nasty sweat of her palms on my face. the scream ended, and she went silent, except for gaping mouth taking in air, still stretched out. eyes still locked. at this point i felt she had control over me, my body went limp and i couldnt move. she slowly brought my face (feet dragging behind me as i couldnt move) WITHIN A CENTIMETER of her face. like as close as you can get without touching. SHE DIDNT BLINK. i wanted more than anything to look away from her eyes...yet no matter how hard i tried she kept my eyes locked to hers. her mouth remained open, clear down passed my jaw, and literally almost pressed up against my cheek. i could feel her putrid, hot breath brush over my face as she shakily breathed in and out. open your mouth wide and shiver, thats all i could hear. shaky breathing as i was forced to stare into the eyes of hell. i couldnt scream. i couldnt move. i couldnt BLINK. i knew then in the dream i was doomed to starve to death in her hands, while being forced to stare into those eyes and smell her breath and feel her sweat. it was quiet. and very, very, VERY disturbing. i have dreamed babies getting napalmed in front of their mothers. i have seen the end of the world in my sleep, whole cities being enslaved. yet this takes the cake as the most disturbing thing ever in a dream. the fact that it was so unexpected....and happened within 10 seconds....is why it is so scary. she was wearing all black. sorry for length!

lets get right into it. I don't have a car or money, so i cannot leave my house beyond walking around the neighborhood. I cannot go do anything social, because i don't have friends. I used to have friends, but you see, the only reason i had fit with them was because of the party lifestyle. i got along with them great and wouldn't trade the time i spent with them for anything. but now, things have changed. I was always the guy who would be left out. even when i still hung out with them regularly, I was always the guy who had to leave if their were too many people or the guy who had to get the stink end of the deal or whatever. They never really hit me up or invited me to stuff, but they seemed very sincere in their friendship when i was with them, so i didn't feel used or anything. but that started getting more and more severe to the point were if i stopped texting them, i would feel like i wouldn't hear from them ever again. I never hear from them now, so it feels like it was all fake, which makes it painful because i really enjoyed hanging out....the 'group' disbanded because most of them moved away from me across town, so they all hang out in a different place now. thus taking the attention away from my area, and excluding me even more.

So now i don't have friends, and am questioning if they ever were friends...which hurts a lot. I cannot leave my house, because there is nowhere to go. I have exhausted all hobbies, i have read and read about EVERYTHING im interested in and there is just nothing left to do. Even if i did want to do something, i cant do it (no car or money). i used to do drugs and stuff to explore the different states of mind and being, but now i do it because its the only way to make myself happy, which is starting to worry me because i get very depressed when im sober. despite this, i remain very intelligent and good looking, and i take care of myself and i work out CONSTANTLY, but i remain skinny and frail looking (but i would consider myself fit and attractive, i mean i have manpower that's for sure).

I am more lonely than the largest, coldest, most vast and all encompassing void in the universe. most people want money and cars and gadgets, i just want the touch of grass on my feet and the hands of someone beautiful. yet i live in a bleak box in a concrete wasteland. all the trees and grass i see is fake, planted and willed to their locations by human hands. FAKE wilderness. i get no refuge from wilderness that has been submissively corroded and manipulated and whos wild natural growth has been restricted and poisoned, leaving behind a twisted mockery of what nature should be.

i could take care of the loneliness problem, but i dont ever come into contact with girls. i see one, maybe two people EACH DAY. always my mom or dad. I am an okay conversationalist and can be akward, but i am smart and honest and funny and know when to talk and blah blah but i just cant get the opportunity. like i said, i cant leave. i have no one. i AM no one, to everyone. I have no reason to get up in the morning other than to get high so i can add substance and meaning to my life, which ends up hurting more because i know its fake (drug-induced) but if i didn't, i HONESTLY believe i would have killed myself by now.if there is no other happiness other than fake happiness, im willing to take it.

i would give everything i own away to live in a place with trees and wildlife with someone beautiful. i know it wont just come to me, and i know i have to make the opportunity, but there is no way. no money, no car, no one to talk to, nothing to dream for, and all the time in the world to think about how miserably lonely i am. I am mentally and sexually starved for affection, which i honestly believe is a form of torture. i just want a hug dam*it....just a caress...please god just a smile....i could start crying. i started integrating Buddhism into my life to help cope, and it helps tremendously. i know the value of compassion and respect and honesty. yet i am too distracted to fully devote to it, and i also feel i am not ready. i dont want to hear chin up big guy it will end eventually, or wait it out, or it will get better....i would like some real advice.

Hello. I Live in white middle class suburbs. I have most of the material possessions i want. Yet I am bleak and terrible....I have no happiness. I am not stupid enough to believe like most people that material wealth is the key to happiness. My life is spent sitting and thinking or doing something on the TV. Ipods, Xbox, TV, all these things do nothing to me. I am not entertained by these trivial stupid artifacts. I want to collide worlds and illuminate galaxies. My consciousness is vast and cold, much too large to be contained within this simple fantasy that i live in day to day. I am tortured and hurt...like a god put into a dogs body.

Those around me view me in scorn...they return my wisdom with selfish hateful insults. I have no one, and Am utterly alone. For as long as i can remember i have been alone, in every sense possible. I have had no one to talk to but myself, which i do profusely, and the trees, my only friends now. Most of these ignorant Human creatures want their unimpressive little technological toys and houses. new cars and new this and new that. Most people would give anything for a large sum of wealth. Yet all i have ever wanted more than my own life was the touch of grass on my feet...trees blowing in a cool breeze...and the soft hands of someone beautiful. I would give away everything i own for that...every cent and the clothing on my back...I cry at the thought. yet all i have is the cold unsympathetic walls around me and the knife in my hand. I yearn for the affection I have never even begun to feel. never a hug. never a caress. never a smile. no one there to hold me but my own bleeding arms, as it has been for eternity. I am not chemically unbalanced. I am genuinely tortured.

I am of the forest. I will become Earth as i was made from Earth. Yet there are no trees...only concrete and metal. I cry for the trees....yet No final escape from all that haunts me, for even the trees I see are fake. Seeds planted by Human hands.WILLED to their spots by human minds. FAKE. FAKE WILDERNESS. There is no solace in something that is fake.

Nothing to do, nothing to see. only concrete and the voices that taunt me. nothing to hope for, nothing to dream for. What path can be avoided who's end is fixed by those who control you, from thousands of leagues away? no soft skin to feel, no sweet voice to hear, only the black hatred in my soul and the blood on my body. There is no salvation. there is only suffering. I am in purgatory. there is no escape, only to sleep forever, which does not bring relief. you have to be alive to feel relief. Yet my continuous wish is to help those around me, to enlighten and teach those who are less off, yet no opportunity exists. I cannot travel. I have no money. I am stuck here, on this Earth-Hell. surrounded by violent, crude monkeys without compassion nor mercy. No friendly Beings to consort with or talk to. Only myself and the wall. I talk to the wall always. the wall will listen.

For too long I have suffered as an addict, falsely tripping my life and money away. I go to school. I don't get paid. I would rather do hard manual prison labor all day, because at least then i get something out of it. You do not learn in school. Nor are you prepared for life. You are deluded and brainwashed. Made into mindless sheep, fodder for the governments and weak pantheons of this world.

Don't you tell me wait till you see the real world. I have experience things that would destroy lesser minds and make you crumble into madness. I am strong to take this torture. But not invincible...my strength is waning...the candle in my soul flickers. My willpower is fading as I am eroded into nothing. For long i have stood as a bulwark of sanity and reason to the world...spreading good will where i can...yet now I am nothing, fading into madness...before long madness will be all that is left. My mind is being filled with demonic voices and thoughts of murder...the will to kill fills my veins, and my eternal light cries to me...asking why I have become dark. I answer I want to destroy the world. To plunge it in nuclear fire and scatter it like dust in the wind. with a heart-chilling cry of despair, the light forsakes me forever. and the guilt arises. I am not Evil, or dark, Yet now even my precious inner light is gone...

I am empty. I have no one. I have nothing. I am nothing. I mean nothing to anyone. I cant move. My body is small and weak. My consciousness is tortured and pained. My soul is terribly alone...more alone than the center of the largest, coldest, most bleak, empty void in the universe. All I hear is scorn and my malicious thoughts. All i see is the wall. All i feel is pain. All i taste is blood and an unquenchable thirst. All i smell is irremovable filth. I am in Hell. There is no salvation. And now, the only thing i ever had for my own, my deepest most private inner possession....my light...has left me forever....

in the movie mel gibson is looking at the crop circle and says its too perfect no human couldve made it but how did it get there for them to film it? they had to have made it, correct?

i steam up my shower real good and i think it may be my tub is dirty, the dirt mixes with the water and floats in the mist, the dirt condenses in spots on the wall. but i wanna know fo shao because its strange to have a bunch of brown dots appear all over the walls. the shower steams up enough to the point where the walls are drippin, so i think i might be right on this one. the spots seem grainy in nature and rub off quite easily. I have two cacti (w00t) in my bathroom, sometimes mah kitty knocks em down and dirt film covers everything, and i dont ever completely get it all in the cracks or corners this might be what causing it. what do you guys think? dirt? mold? fundots?

it want go up. i go down and then up and it makes a swooshing noise but i dont get higher.