Pete O

I signed into Listia, the "Free" item auction site. This was a Mistake!

I mailed away Several items, and even Paid for Credits, bidding on Many items, which I Lost ALL of them. I chalked it up to Hunting for Deals. I Referred my Friends for Credits, and Completed Deals for More Credits. I bid High on a few things, Losing them All.

Then I received an E-mail stating my Account was Suspended, for "Violation of the Rules", listing several items it MIGHT have been. It included a Link to their Rules, and I read Each One, and had done Nothing Wrong! I wrote Customer Service, who Declined to Respond.

Is this a Scam Site?

I feel like an Idiot for Believing in "Free Stuff".

Where can I Report it? What Authorities cover This Kind of Fraud?

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby

cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but

I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed

her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second

hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

_____________

My Mother had both our Names changed in apporox 1969, when I was a Minor. I need the Court Order for ID/ Driver's Licence purposes. I do not have a Date or Order Number; but it would be in Delaware county, PA. ,and do have our Before and After name.

How/Where do I get the Change of Name court order?

Having rented from RCN for some time, I decided to buy the Exact Same model of DVR box from a 3rd party. The Law says I can Own my own equipment, right?(Cable Act of 1992)

Now, I contacted RCN to see what had to be done to Connect the boxes. I know they are serial #'ed, and addressable(and that it only took a swipe with a Smartcard and Phonecall to activate it when it was installed).

They responded that I HAD to use their boxes, since the signal is scrambled. This seems to Violate the Law, saying I Can Not purchase my own from a 3rd party.

I contacted the FCC. FCC says Security must be available separate from top-boxes.(Telecom. Act of 1996).

Has anyone gone through this, and what did you do to resolve it?

Two things Navy SEALS are always taught:

1)Keep your priorities in order

2)Know when to act without hesitation

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted:

"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.

I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!" Again after a few more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold.

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent ..... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. '

You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy, I'm especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Pssssssssssss,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!'

You Just Can't Fix Stupid!!

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So, I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our t hings so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind. I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT

Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine…

The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....

Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid… and remember - these people can vote.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the back-ground check interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy.

Don't mess with them.

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?' McCain replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

Top 10 Rabbit Sounds

(Sure, they don't make any noise)

10. The scoot and shuffle of a food bowl being moved from here to over there

9. Shriek of "Argh!" by human roommate on discovering that the fresh cut flowers are now only a vase full of stems

8. "Crash-boom-bang" from landsliding books, papers and pens while investigating the top of the desk

7. Nasal grunt, accompanied by flailing fore paws, when being impolite to guests

6. Lips smacking bananas

5. Snort of disgust on being offered a zucchini snack

4. "Tooth purring"--the grind of contentment

3. Silence on the phone line because the cord has been chomped, again

2. Toenails that go "click-click" on the linoleum

And the number 1 sound produced by rabbits:

The "clackety-clack-clack" of the water bottle....

at three o'clock in the morning

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions use to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

Most Guys want to Get-In, Get-Out Shopping, while the Ladies like to Browse for a few Days. Here's some things to Occupy your Time(and Probably get Banned, but you're Out!):

1.Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2.Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.Stand at a closed register and do your nails.

4.Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5.Go to the Service Desk and try to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6.Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7.Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8.When a clerk askes if they could help you, begin crying and scream, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9.Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while picking nose.

10.While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk where the antidepressants are.

11.Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12.In the auto department, practice the "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13.Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14.When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume a fetal position and scream, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES

AGAIN!"

And last, but not least

15.Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, then yell very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Recent hurricanes and climatic issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons & 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction (that would normally take less than a second) to be delayed any time from four days to fourteen years.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which some of the assistant neutrons & deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Well Officer, this is how the fight started...

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault. So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life...sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a Dwarf! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close to me he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I looked down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"

This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

CANADIANS:

Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:

Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS:

Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:

This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS:

No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS:

This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...

I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

CANADIANS:

We are a lighthouse. Your call

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down

and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks

up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little

man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small

piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a

tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the

piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts

playing a beautiful piece by Mozart !

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to

the bartender and says:

'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a

gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before

him.

'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each

person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited.

Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.

It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and

they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, ' Y'know , I

think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a

million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really

think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the

answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously

have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen

it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can

you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does

not.... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in

Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when

you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering

Ger-man-y, which is ...oh forget it Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays

every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come

naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?

( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal .

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense

rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All

Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make

good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia ,

but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop

out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You

can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out

walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you

tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is

smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact

the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

1.If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

10.Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading

rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for

protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leop ard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving

canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!