shep6965

A puny little man walks into a chemist shop and asks to speak to the pharmacist privately. He tell the pharmacist that he wants only one condom but it would have to be specially made as it was to be three feet wide and six feet high.

The pharmacist was surprised at this request but told the man he would get it sorted out and to come back in a week's time.

This the man did and asked if it was possible for him to try it on. The pharmacist told him to go into the back of the shop where he'd have some privacy. After a few minutes, the pharmacist could hear groans and grunts coming from the back of the shop and being curious decided to see what was happening. To his surprise the man had stepped inside the condom, had pulled it up around himself and was now struggling to get it over his shoulders due to the tightness of the rubber.

The pharmacist was astounded and asked why he was doing this. The man replied that he was always being called a c**t at work and he just wondered what it felt like to be a prick

A bloke walks into a chemist to buy some condoms, but he was laughing so much he could hardly make the pharmacist understand what he wanted. three days running he goes to the same chemist to make his purchase and each time he's roaring with laughter.

The pharmacist's curiosity gets the better of him so he tells his assistant that if he comes in the following day the assistant is to follow him to find out where he's going and why he's laughing so much.

Sure enough, the bloke comes in again laughing like mad as usual, buys his condoms and leaves.

The assistant does what his boss told him to do and follows the man out of the shop. An hour later, the assistant arrives back and he too is laughing so much that tears are running down his face.

Well, said the pharmacist, where did he go?

The assistant replied.......................

To your house!!

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season

Begins......

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini went to the

local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our

neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from

the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no

need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual

favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on

Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,

you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those

circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,

if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more

question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for

years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit

of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes

water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off

because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and

that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was

concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for

dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl

where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and

all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound

asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the

elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey

guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual

trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the

sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor

laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty

good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his

bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit

her lip as she asked him what the matter was.

He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me

and I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my

guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I

got most of them back in.'

A mother had three daughters who all married on the same day and being rather nosey, she wanted to know how many times her daughters had sex on their wedding night. She told each of them to say "good morning dear mother" when they came down for breakfast, that way she would know how her daughters faired that night.

The first daughter came down for breakfast and said: "good morning dear mother"

The second daughter arrived for breakfast and said: "good morning dear mother good morning"

The third daughter came to breakfast and said:

Good morning dear mother good morning. If you had a morning like I've had this morning, we'd all be in mourning by next Sunday morning, good morning dear mother good morning!"

A doctor had requested an 85-year-old man submit a sample for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them herself.

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Mississippi "

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "One."

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$121,237.65."

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the auto department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife. I told him "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

A few months ago, I posted a question to you all saying I'd done everything I could for my male beardie. I had spent over £500 at the vets and it was suggested I seperated him from the female, which I did.

However, he is still very lethargic and not eating himself, so I have to feed him every day using a syringe.

I personally feel he does not have the quality of life he should have, so do you all think I should do the best thing for him and have him put "to sleep"??

This will break my heart, but What do you all think?? Honest answers only please.

> She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

> She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her

> Husband died.

> But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

> She finally died after having 25 children.

> Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

> He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and

> Said, ' Lord, they're finally together.'

> One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, '

> Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

> The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace

[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to T emperatures

[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas

in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through

Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my Husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office were full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's ***** doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where

she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of

eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce,

half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g

pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt

to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched

as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the

drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,

but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition,

since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw

nothing particularly unusual about her selection

that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital

status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,

'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.

But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

> They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

> Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

> So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down

> the following day.

>

> The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his

> room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.

> However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his

> error, sent the email to the wrong address.

>

> Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston ....a widow had just returned home from her husband's

> funeral.

> He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

> The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

> After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted

>

> The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up

> and saw the computer screen

> which read:

>

> To: My Loving Wife

> Date: Friday, October 13, 2004

> Subject: I have Arrived!

>

> Dearest Love:

> I know you are surprised to hear from me.

> They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

> I have just arrived and have been checked in.

> I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to

> seeing you then.

>

> Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

>

> PS ........ Sure is hot down here!!

advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970.

Symptoms:

1 Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4 Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

And I suffer from it lol

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have

to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is

wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced

this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached

the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why

you're here to see the doctor today?"

There's something wrong with my dick," he replied

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a

crowded waiting room and say things like that."

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in

this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with

your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in

private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of

strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken

her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my

own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said

"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a

moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them

get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person

you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive

days I have stayed alive.

14. How come USA choose's from just two people to run for president and

50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a

peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see

naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:

"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true

friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-

20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear

loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed

up in the first place!

21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just

"chunky dunk."

22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell

the difference.

24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could

simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you

haven't fallen asleep yet.

26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what

he said). ;

27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

28. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have

started with something called LABOUR!

29. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but

FAT cells live forever.

What do a 25 year old woman and a 70 year old man have in common??

I'd be VERY interested in your answers, but I still think you'd be surprised at the correct answer to this question

Name: K. Way [grumpy bars**rd]

Sex: Not lately, looking for a woman who'll co-operate

Desired Position: Chief Executive or M.D. If I was in a position to be picky I wouldn't be applying anyway.

Salary: £300,000 per annum, plus shares and a Tony Blaire style redundancy package. - Make an offer and we can haggle

Education: Yes

Last Position: Target for middle management hostility

Previous Salary: A lot less that I'm worth

Most Notable Achievement: Collection of stolen pens and post-it notes

Reason for leaving: It was a cr@p job

Hours available to work: Any

Prefered hours: 1.30pm to 3.30pm Mon, Tues, and Thurs

Skills: Yes but more suited to intimate environments

Contact previous employer: If I had one, would I be here?

Do you have a car?: Not one that runs

Recognition: Maybe a winner of Readers Digest award [so they tell me]

Do you smoke?: On the job - No at break time - yes

Nearest Relative: 7 miles away

Do you certify all you have said is true? Absolutely