Lovely Witch 25

He was met at the gates by an angel who took him into an enourmous warehouse full of clocks. The angel told him that each clock represented someones life. Suddenly one of the clocks spun backwards taking an hour off the time. 'What was that?' asked bill? 'Well', the angel said to him, 'each time someone acts like a jerk an hour is taken off their life.' The pair carried on walking, then bill asked the angel if he could see Tony Blairs clock? 'You'll have to come into the office' said the angel, 'We've been using it as a fan in this hot spell!'

The man answers the door to find a 6 foot stag beetle there. He asks the creature what the hell he's doing calling at such a late hour, but halfway through the tirade the bettle lays into him. After landing the man with a series of vicious punches and kicks the beetle saunters off down the street. The man crawls back into his house and calls an ambulance. At the hospital the man is reluctant to tell the docs how he came about his injuries, but after some persuading relates the tale of the stag beetle expecting to be laughed at. However to his suprise the doctor is sympathetic and explains to the man that there is a nasty bug going around!

They make love, but the girl wants to do it again instantly. They end up doing it 4 times, until the bloke needs a rest and asks his girl to excuse him to go for a leak. While out of the car he notices a bloke a few yards away changing a flat tyre. He says to him, 'Listen, my girls in my car over there and we've already done it 4 times but she still wants more. If you give her one for me I'll change your tyre.' The lucky motorist agrees gets into the car and starts going at it doogy style with the insatiable girl. While they're at it a policeman shines his torch through the window. 'What do you think you're doing there?', he asks the man who replies, 'I'm making love to my wife.' The policeman looks bemused and says, 'Why don't you do it at home?' To which the man replies, 'Well I didn't know it was my wife until you shone the torch on her!'

When a forth stumbles in and orders a beer. Spying the group, the drunk stumbles overpoints at one of the boys and shouts, 'I've sh@gged your mum!'. The lads ignore him and carry on with their pints. He shouts again, 'Up the @r$e!'. Although irritated they ignore him again.Then the drunk stands up points at the boy and yells, 'Your mum's sucked my d!ck!' The boy looks up wearily and says, 'Your drunk, go home dad!'

When a woman starts screaming. 'My son's choking!' she cries. 'He's swallowed a sixpence from the christmas pudding! Please, anyone help!' Without speaking a man from a nearby table stands up and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly he grips the boy by the gonads and squeezes. The boy coughs and out pops the coin. 'Thank you so much' beams the releived mother. 'Are you a paramedic?' 'No', replied the man, 'I work for the Inland Revenue.'

Little Johnny walks past his parents room one night and sees them making love. Puzzled he asks his father about it in the morning. 'Why were you doing that to mummy last night?' His father replies, 'Because mummy wants a baby.' The next night Johnny spots mummy giving daddy a bl0w j0b so the next morning he asks his father, 'Why was mummy doing that to you last night?' His father replies, 'Because mummy wants a BMW.'

When the doc enquired on how things were going the old man smiled. 'Never better he' said. 'I've taken an 18 year old bride and she's pregnant! What do you think of that?' The doc considered this for a moment and then said 'I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he slept late and in the subsequent rush, He dashed out with his umbrella instead of his rifle. Deep in the woods he faced a huge, angry bear, raised his umbrella, pointed it at the animal and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?' Dumbfounded the old codger shook his head. 'The bear fell dead in front of him.' 'Thats impossible' said the old man 'Someone else must have been doing the shooting!' Sighing the doctor gave his patient a friendly pat on the back. 'That's what I'm getting at.'

You're wife will always blow your bonus!

An elderly man is driving down the M1 one day when his mobile rings. Answering it he hears his wife on the other end. 'Albert please be careful, I've just heard the news and they say there's a maniac driving down the M1 in the wrong direction'! 'It's not just one', replies Albert, 'there's bl00dy hundreds of them!'

To prime women for marriage..... so they'd know what it's like to live with an irritating tw@t!

Two men are sitting on a riverbank fishing, when a funeral procession goes past. One of the men takes off his cap and solemly holds it over his heart. 'That was a nice gesture', says the other man. 'Oh it's the least I can do', says the first. 'I mean we were married for 25 years'.

Welshman was driving along the road one day and sees an eskimo by the side of the road whos car has broken down. So the welshman pulls up to see if he needs any help. After a while looking under the bonnet the welshman says to the eskimo 'Ahhh, the problem is that you've blown a seal.' 'So what!', says the eskimo you sh@g sheep!'

It took the ten points off of me too. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!?

A dog that scares the sh!t out of you then runs away with the toilet roll.

'Mummy where do babies come from?' Well daddies make a liquid called sp3rm and put it inside mummies to make babies. 'How does daddy put it inside mummy? Does she swallow it?' No, only if mummy wants new shoes!

Are running down the street, away from a group of soldiers who are hot on their heels! After a while though they start to get tired. Just then the englishman sees asack laying at the side of the road. You two go on he says I'm going to try my luck hiding in here. So he climbs into the sack and they carry on running. The soldiers running down the street see the sack and kick it. The englishman says 'woof'. It's just a bag of puppies says the soldier and so they carry on down the road. Meantime the scot and the irish man have found another sack and the Scot decides that he's had enough of running, so into the sack he climbs. When the soldiers find it they kick it. Miaow says the Scot. Ahh, its just a bag of kittens says the soldier, and they carry on after the Irish man. Meantime he has found himself a sack to hide in. The soldiers come running up the road see the sack and kick it. 'Potatoes says the Irish man. Sorry that one is even worse, and I DO love the Irish!

Park in it man! They just get worse don't they?!

Your mum! Sorry tis rubbish I know. Really trying to remember all the jokes, and this is the first one to come to me!

Or will that damage them?

Whats the best worst chat up line you have ever received? I mean the ones that are so bad they're good! Mine has to be, 'F**k me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me!'