Kaylie

WARNING this post may be a little long, sorry :

After 14 years, an enlarged heart, mystery lump on her hind leg that bled, and 2 recent seizures, my mom and I put our beloved dog down. She wasn't my dog really, but still apart of my life; especially since my dad (her actual "master") died of a sudden heart attack at home and I took over her care (I'm 22 and our family has had her for 14 years since she was 8 wks). After my dad's death Jazzy became my responsibility, and at 13 (at the time) she was still very lively and willing to live a bit, even though she was obviously heartbroken and nearly passed with the enlarged heart and very high liver numbers.

On December 20, 2012, she had her first seizure. It was bad and terrifying to her and me, I thought she was dying in my arms. But my little girl came out of it, but the sparkle that was in her eyes was gone, We took her to the emergency vet that night, she wouldn't settle down so the vet gave her a little bit of valium (not the full dose because of her heart meds), My little girl was so scared all nigh and then she was very anxious when I quickly left her in my jeep (I had her by my side all the next day) the next day to go and pick up a christmas present. She seemed normal, ate, went for a walk though wasn't really interested, and 22 hours later she had another really bad one that took her eye sight. We put her down on the 21st on the vets advice.

I don't blame the vet, I don't blame my mom, and I really don't blame me because there were previous signs that she had a brain tumour (major change in behaviour, pushing head into everything, not getting comfortable when at rest, not wanting to eat). And as I said before she had a tumour on her hind leg (though I was scared to get it aspirated), she had a heart murmur and enlarged heart, and she had a fairly large lump in her throat that was discovered by xray last year. But even with all this I miss her greatly. Just her looking at me to tell me it's walk time or bed time, and driving around with her as my "co-pilot". I've cried a lot this christmas, to be sure. Now I seem to be having conflicted thoughts, first I cry for my doggie then I start googling others that need homes from rescues. Is this normal? I'm sad she's gone, but know she's not in pain and with my dad. Especially since last night I dreamt I was walking her at this beautiful lake, when my dad came from another path and took her leash while handing me the leash of this little brown mutt dog that I've never seen before (we've been a family with black dogs only) Is this me letting go? I know I'll always miss her, but do you think getting another dog sometime with in the next few months (my mom wants to wait for at least 3 just to live without a dog for a bit and maybe do some travelling we couldn't do with Jazzy because of her illness and temperament) will help? I've always been a animal person (allergic to cats, even though I love trying to play with my friends with dire issues afterwards) and don't think a life without a dog would be any kind of life at all, but what if I can't connect?

Thanks for reading my long story, I just felt I needed to get it all out and talking to my mom about it gets redundant.