moriartee

asked the smiling young lady what drove her on to be a winner. He thought she said 'I used to be a prostitute in Venice'. What she actually said was 'I was destitute living in Paris!

wife a fur coat made out of hamster pelts. He then books a weekend away for two to the City of London. It took him the best part of the day trying to persuade his wife to get off the big wheel.

Has a flat head and a massive cauliflour ear. He turns to the bartender to ask about this strange looking man. The bartender beckons the man over and quietly tells him that the strange looking man is the local hero. 'How so?' enquires the tourist. The bartender says ' A few weeks ago there was an explosion in the diamond mine and he helped save the lives of all his colleagues by keeping the main support beam from collapsing using his head to bear the weight'. The tourist was open mouthed with surprise, 'That's an amazing story, but whatever happened to his ear? The bartender leaned forward and said ' That's where they hit him with the 5lb hammer to get his head to fit under the beam!

fire breaks out. He runs to the balcony to see that there's a crowd gathered, the smoke is billowing upwards from the apartment below. He runs back inside then goes onto the 12th floor landing to see that the flames are shooting up the stairway. Panicking he runs back into the apartment then once again runs over to the balcony. 'Help me!, Help me!,' the man cries. While he was shouting down to the crowd, the local fire brigade arrive at the scene. They get to work trying to douse the fire, they also bring over a stretch canvass to catch the holiday maker. The crowd are getting agitated at the mans reluctance to jump so they start to shout him down and after several refusals he soon realises jumping is his only option now that the flames are in his apartment. He gets what valuables he has in a bag and waits. He jumps.The crowd cheer as the man falls, 11th,10th, 9th, 8th,7th ,6th ,5th, 4th ,3rd, 2nd then just as he reaches the canvass the the firemen pull it away as the crowd cry 'OLE'

towards his bed with his wavering hand. 'Jeeves! you have served me well for the last 30 years, through thick and thin, I'm going to leave you Bassett Hall, which has 25 rooms and I will give you £100,000 to start afresh!' The butler though shocked bowed curtly and backed away from the masters bed. The chauffeur was summoned forward. 'Wilson you have been an outstanding driver and looked after my classic collection for 25years, I'm leaving you Windsor Hall which has 20 rooms plus £80,000!' The chauffeur bowed curtly and backed away from the bed . The gardner was then summoned forward, 'Murphy!, you have been my gardner for 6 weeks and in that time you have destroyed my prize rose bushes and ruined my lawns and killed off the fish in the lakes, ruined the tropical plant collection in my greenhouse, I'm going to give you F*ck All! The gardner bowed curtly with his finger touching his cap and said 'Thank you sir! By the way, how many rooms has that got?

laundry. He runs along the side of the building until he finds a window that's open. He climbs in and as he does he sees a woman bent over the tub scrubbing away. He creeps up behind her and lifts up her dress and takes advantage of the situation. The noise of the heavy machinery drowns out the screams of the woman as the escapee works his way through the various single women workers. One of the women press the emergency button and the supervisor makes an appearance just as the escapee was about to claim his next victim. The supervisor shouts 'Hey you!' With that the escapee makes a run for it and flees. Next day front page headlines read 'Nut, Screws, Washers, and Bolts!

Whilst there they decide to drum up some new custom.They park their works van at one end of the street , don their blue overalls with their motif on the breast pocket, and ID cards endorsing their registration. They knock on several doors and to their surprise nobody answers. After an hour or so with no success they see the woman of the callout vaccuming her carpet. She looks out of the front room window as they walk up the pathway to the front door. Before they have a chance to knock, the door swings open and the lady stands there looking the two men up and down. 'Good afternoon modom! says the older of the two men 'We understand that you have a malfunction with your ablutions!. She replies 'A mal what? In my what? 'Speak properly young man I do not understand all this technical jargon you know!'Sorry madam! It seems that you have a sh*thouse that is'nt working! The lady ushers them in and says' You go through the hallway into the lounge you'll find him on the sofa watching the TV!

customers dive for cover. The guy looks around him after ordering his drink and says to the pub landlord 'He's perfectly tame he would'nt hurt a fly, do you mind if I give a demonstration just to prove it?' Landlord nods and says 'okay then but first sign of trouble you're out' Picking up the croc the guy places it on a nearby table then taps the croc on it's nose. The croc's mouth opens and the guy unzips his trousers, pulls out his 'todger' and puts it between the croc's jaws. He picks up a nearby bottle and crashes it down onto the croc's head, the croc's jaws clam shut with just a half inch to spare from his 'Todger'.'There! did'nt I tell you he was tame, so anyone want to give it a go? Silence. 'Come on there has to be one brave soul in here tonight! Silence, suddenly a blonde puts up her hand. 'Sorry madam but how would you be able to do it?'asks the guy. 'Oh quite easy really' replies the blonde,'Just don't smack me over the head with the bottle!

but inadvertantly falls in. Dumber shouts down to his pal 'Are you ok buddy?' Seconds later back came the reply 'I think I've broken both my arms' cries Dumb. In a bit of a panic Dumber starts running round the well shouting 'What do I do? What do I do? when suddenly an idea came to him. He found some rope nearby and tested it for strength before lowering one end into the well down to his pal. He tied the other end around his waist then shouted down to Dumb 'If you take the rope between your teeth and hold on I'll pull you out'. Dumb takes the rope between his teeth and Dumber starts to pull him up. With the rope tight around his waist Dumber starts to walk backwards, slowly but surely his buddy starts to lift upwards towards the top. What seemed like forever and tiredness setting in Dumber eventually could just see the top of Dumbs head. Excited and pleased that his idea had worked he shouted to his pal 'I can see your head buddy are you able to hold on? YEEEEEEeeees! came the reply.

the circumference of a circle was one of the Knights Of The Round Table.

2. Young doctor is finding it difficult in delivering the news to a patient that they're amputating his legs due to his terrible injuries. Seeking advice from a fellow medic who suggests the 'good news and bad news' scenario. After the operation the young doctor is there at the patients bedside as he comes round from the anaesthetic. 'How are we feeling sir?' asks the doctor. 'Feels good to be alive doc' came the reply. 'I have some good news and bad news for you, which would you prefer first? asks the doc nervously. 'Give me the bad news first doc' answers the patient. 'Well, due to the terrible damage to your legs, I'm afraid we had to amputate them off both below the knee' replied the doc. The patient started to sob, but after a few minutes regained his composure to ask the doc about the 'Good news'. Well! says the doc excitedly ' Do you know the chap in the next bed? 'He's offered to buy your slippers!

When he lost his hand I put it in the polythene bag and you managed to save it'! 'When he lost his arm I put it in the polythene bag and you managed to save it'! When he lost his head I did the same thing so what happened? The receptionist looked sadly at Dumb and said 'That's the really sad part, your friend suffocated in the polythene bag!

him the meaning of hard work. 'Report to the foreman and he'll issue you with chainsaw and gloves'. says G.B.Snr. 'Dokey okey pops' says Jnr. The foreman tells Jnr that he must cut down 36 trees a day before he gets a $100 bonus then hands him his saw and gloves. G.B.Jnr gets up and started by 06:30 and works till 16:30, he only manages to cut down 18 trees. Next morning he's up and starts at 04:30 and works until 18:30 and he's managed to cut down 24 trees. 'Gee this is harder than it looks' he thinks. He gets up and started at 02:30 and works till 22:30 and succeeds in cutting down 28 trees, 'Ill give it one more day, if I don't reach the target I'll pull a sickie' He works round the clock only stopping for his breaks and manages to cut down 34 trees. Next day Jnr returned his saw to the foreman apologising that he did'nt feel too good. 'Too bad'! replied the foreman. As Jnr is turning to go, the foreman starts up the chainsaw, startled Jnr says 'Geeez! What the hells that noise?.

ushers them into his surgery. 'How old are you both?' he asks. The old boy says' 76! and the wifes 70!' Looking slightly bemused , the doctor not wanting to offend his patients hands the old boy a sealed small jar 'Take this home and give me a sperm sample in the jar and return it to me in a couple of days time' The elderly couple look at each other lovingly and rush back home all excited. Two days later at the surgery the doctor notices the glum look on his two elderly patients and asks if all was well. ' We set about it as soon as we got home' says the old boy reaching into his coat pocket. 'I tried using my left hand , with no luck, then my right hand, still no good so I had a go with both hands, hopeless! 'Then the wife had a go using both hands, no joy! 'Then she tried putting her mouth over it with her teeth in then with her teeth out, still no good, as much as we tried we just could'nt get the lid off that jar!

fell in the packed hall as the spotlight illuminated the lady sitting on the single chair in the centre of the stage. 'Good evening every one my name is Bethea and I'm here tonight to share your experiences with the paranormal'. 'My first request is to ask all those who have had an out of body experience to raise their hands'. As soon as the words left her mouth there was an immediate show of hands from nearly all of the audience.' Excellent! came the reply. 'Now! Hands up all those who have seen a ghost? Even more of a response as the audience started to murmer with anticipation as the hands shot up from all parts of the hall. 'Brilliant! Exclaimed Bethea, 'Tonights going to be fun!. 'Hands up if you've had a sexual encounter with a ghost' Silence except for one hand show at the back of the hall. 'Come forward sir! The man came forward to front of stage, spotlight on him.'Now sir! This ghost you had sex with, Care to tell us?'The man replied 'Ghost? I thought you said 'Goat' Sorry!

First one stops knitting checks her watch then places knitting on her lap.She reaches down to her handbag and takes out a small bottle of pills. 'What you taking them for?.' asked the other two mothers 'Just Vitamins so my baby is born healthy' she replies. Twenty minutes later the second mother checks her watch then places her knitting on her lap reaches into her bag to retrieve a bottle of pills. 'What are those you're taking?' asked the other two mothers. 'Vitamin C to give me a healthy baby'. Half an hour later all three mothers are knitting furiously when suddenly the third mother stops slams her knitting down on her lap then tearfully reaches down into her bag and withdraws a large bottle of pills. 'What are those you're taking?' asked the other two mothers nervously. ' These are called Thalidomide tablets' replied the tearful mother. 'What you want to go and take them for?' the two mothers cried out. 'Because I can't get the sleeves right on this damn cardigan' came the reply.

Peoples from all over the world allow their religion to dictate how they live their lives based on word of mouth in the so called Scriptures. Yet if we are to believe that religion is just a state of mind, why can't the great minds of this world stop and prevent all the various wars and terrorism. We all have the ability to discipline our minds into making this a better world to live in so what part does religion have to play, if any?

Man on station platform in the early hours sees another man coming towards him carrying 2 heavy suit-cases. He stops him and asks for the time. The other man lowers the cases to the floor wipes his brow then slides back the sleeve of his coat so that they could both see the watch.'Yes' he says, 'In this country it;s now 02:30am' however if I press this button here it will be 2000pm in China and this button here it would be 07:30 in the U.S.A.If I touch this button here it will give me BBC1,2, touch this button here ITV1,2,3, If I just press this button here it will show onscreen the person Im talking to anywhere in the world. 'Wow' said the man 'Im amazed' 'that must have cost a fortune'. 'Just £9.99 from Argos' came the reply. ' I have to get me one of those' said the man. 'I wouldn't if I was you ' was the reply. 'Why not' the man asked. Bending down to pick up the suit-cases the other man said ' You should feel the weight of these batteries'.

As Im new on the singing circuit in the South West, I do not know what the going rate is for my type of act, I use backing music for my tribute act which can be anything from 2 to 2 and a half hours, stopping for a 20minute break between my 2 tributes.