Hank

Pass judgement of me as you wish, but I am tired of hearing my girlfriend complaining about her weight. We have been dating for almost three years and I feel as if she has given up on trying to look her best for me. I take care of myself, work out at least four times a week, eat healthy, and I am always active. We live together so it makes it easy for me to cook her healthy meals, since we will both eat the same thing. Unfortunately, it bothers me that she will pick at the food and then ten minutes later eat sweets or make herself a sandwich. It makes me feel as if she does not appreciate that I am trying to help her out. I brought it up once that it hurt my feelings and she deflected the arguement to that I think she is fat and disgusting. In fact if and when we do argue, she always deflects our arguements to her self image.

When we first started dating, I was attracted to her because she was smart, had many things that she was involved in, and took the time to stay active and exercise. Since we moved in together, it is as if she has given up. She talks all the time about going for a run or going to the gym. I piggy backed her a gym membership on top of mine and I always invite her to go with me. Unfortunately, she is never in the mood. She has spent all kinds of money on different "at home" workout programs, but that always ends up with her giving up. I have been a constant source of motivation always telling her that she can do it and that I love her no matter what she looks like, but now, more than ever, I am having self doubt.

Her severe weight gain has caused her to have anexity and depression. She is constantly talking about how fat she is, how she doesn't know how I can look at her, and how she has no motivation to get in shape. I try to be a constant flame to ignite that fire. I have urged her to at least go walking with me and our dog at night, I have taken her to the park to shoot hoops with me, and I have tried to keep her motiviated in tracking what she eats (like I do).

I feel that her depression and anexity are transferring over to me. I find myself depressed when I come home from work and she tells me she has not done anything all day. I feel depressed when the first thing she talks about with me is how fat she feels. I feel anxious when she wants me to tell her that I am not going to leave her because of her weight. I have never been a man that would do such a thing, but after two years of dealing with this I am having severe self doubt.

I know that all people are beautiful in their own ways, but I feel that I can't go on beating myself up that I need to help her. I have tried to withhold intimacy from her and all that did was back fire to her saying that I did not find her attractive anymore. In many ways I don't, but in many ways I do. The emotional attraction is there, but the physical attraction is not.

Deep inside I know she can change her habits, she has done it before in the past, but I feel that she is never going to do it now. This is the best and longest relationship I have ever been in, but feel that it nearing an end if she doesn't change. And I know that people don't change, but I did. I lost over a hundred pounds in a three year period because I was not happy and confident in the way I looked. I did it for me and that's what I always tell my girlfriend, that if she is not happy with the way she looks, she has to make the change for herself and not anyone else.

I am old enough to know that everything takes time, but I feel as if this situation will never change. I have tried everything, I have been supportive, I have tried to get her involved with activities, I have tried to help her eat healthy, but nothing seems to work. She had blamed her weight problem on her work schedule (she used to work overnights, but has since switched to a day shift because of her emotional health). That was supposed to change everything. The switch in her work schedule was supposed to give her more energy, more time to work out, more time to make healthier choices in food. That was five months ago and nothing has changed, it has only escalated.

Is there any advice someone could give me? I can't help but think I need to give her an ultimatum, but that is not what I want to do. Unfortunately, I think the threat of me leaving forever will be the only motivation. Has anyone else gone through this? How do I motivate her above what I have already done? We have talked about marriage and I would marry her, but not in her current state. I know that's wrong, but I don't want to feel regret for the rest of my life when she continues to get larger and larger.

I have been dating a girl for almost two years now and I believe that we are way past the "honeymoon" stage. For the past 15 months, she has increasingly been putting on more weight, to the point where I do not want to be around her anymore. My mind keeps telling me that for some reason, her weight gain is my fault, because I let her feel comfortable. I understand that the saying goes "love is blind" and I have always felt that way, but more and more I find that I feel like I am being punished in life. Like I have said previously, we have been dating for almost two years and we have a total of three pictures together. Three! All of the people I know have pictures of themselves with their significant others all over the place. She refuses to be in any photograph at all or constantly critiques everything about herself. We went on vacation this summer and she deleted every photograph on my camera of her.

We have always talked about marriage and the future, because there are other qualities about her that I love tremendously. Yet, I find myself always reverting back to her looks. When we met, she was very slim and trim. She ran everyday. She ate very healthy. As soon as we started dating that all went away. I had never really noticed the transformation until we moved in together. I found that her sex drive completely diminished to the point where she only wants to have sex to please me. Once a month, if I am lucky. She is in her late twenties and I just turned thirty, but I feel that our sex life is like we are fifty. When I talk to her about it in a calm manner or "put the moves" on her, she always reverts to her feelings that she is uncomfortable with her body. I am a very affectionate person and have a very high sex drive, but I find myself subconsciously not wanting to hold her hand or put my arms around her in bed. She has noticed and yells at me when I don't do these things. I found my inner monologue saying "it feels like I am holding a pack of sausages" the other day when she forced me to hold her hand.

Since I was about twenty-four, I have taken great care of my body. I work out five to six times a week, eat healthy, and stay in fairly decent shape. She did all those things when we met and in fact that was one of the qualities that attracted me to her. Slowly her activity level diminished and soon became nothing. She knows, without me saying or being a jerk, that she is obese. She has tried every diet in the book, joined all kinds of different gyms, gets these spurts where she will run for a week then quit, and has bought just about every work-out fad their is. In the end she gives up within a week citing that she is too tired from work or just doesn't have the energy.

I continually feel like I am doing something wrong. I have NEVER down grader her for her looks or EVER made her feel sorry. I have always been a positive influence, tried to get her to work out with me, cook healthy meals for the both of us, packed her a healthy lunch, but nothing seems to work. I feel miserable every day when I come home, because the topic of discussion every night from her is how fat she is, or how she is TOO tired to work out, or how she is all of a sudden on some new diet because the one she tried for a week is not working. I have tried relentlessly to convince her that losing weight takes time, it took me over a year to get comfortable in my own skin, but she does not take my advice at all.

It is taking its toll on me. I find that I cannot focus at work, because all I think about is coming home and her talking about her weight. I find myself not wanting to be around her like I used to want to be. I also find myself trying to find every reason to work late. I even avoid hanging out with my friends because she makes me feel bad that she has none. I feel like she has driven a wedge between myself and my friends. When I talk to her about it, she says "who's gonna be there for you the rest of your life, me, not them" It makes me feel horrible to even stop and have a beer with my friends. She tells me that she doesn't care, but when I get home she complains that I didn't invite her. I have on many occasions, but when she comes out she sits in the corner and does not drink or talk. Then she complains that none of my friends talked to her or asked her about her life.

I believe that I am at the end of my rope here. We have talked about the future and what we want to be for each other and she continually pressures me to marry her. For months I have told her that I am not ready and that when the time comes it needs to be a surprise. I feel that the only way she will ever try to lose weight will be if I put a ring on her finger, but I do not want to do that knowing that once the deed is done, she will go right back to her old habits. Am I out of my mind here? Does anyone else have these feelings

I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over two years now and she has put on a considerable amount of weight. When we met she was around a size 2 and now she is around a size 18. When we met, one thing we had in common was that we enjoyed exercising. I take care of myself; I eat healthy, I go to the gym at least 6 days a week, and I generally stay within a healthy weight range. I have encouraged her as much as I can, I have bought her a membership to my gym, I cook her healthy meals, and I encourage her even if she only loses one pound. When I do cook her healthy meals, she will pick at it, then say she is full, then ten minutes later start "grazing" for anything sweet we have around. She constantly snacks on foods that are unhealthy and will actually get up in the middle of the night to eat ice cream, just so I don't see her. I don't judge her eating habits, but I do let her know that it disappoints me when she eats a whole bag of candy. She thinks just because something says "low calorie" it is alright to eat. I agree, but in moderation. Of course she is self conscious about it and constantly calls herself fat. I tell her, baby you look beautiful, but now I find myself disgusted to even look at her. The whole situation is making me depressed. I constantly try to look past it, but it has been harder and harder everyday. She tells me that when she dated here last boyfriend that they broke up because she put on serious weight. She lost all the weight after the breakup, but now I feel the same way as he did. I feel a bit resentful about it. That is causing me to feel depressed and be very distant. I am a very loyal partner and stay by my partner through thick and thin, but I don't know how much I can handle. She expects me to act a certain way and expects certain actions out of me, but when I bring up any talk of going to the gym together, or go running, or go for a walk, it becomes of fight of "oh, so you're saying I am fat". Needless to say, our sexual relationship as fallen completely off the map, which drives me insane. I don't know how to handle this situation at all. I love her with all my heart, but it makes me irate to think that I would be so shallow as to leave her because of the way she looks.