【ツ】ρεαcε!

man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE

I WATCH HOUSE

HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.

HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.

HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.

I LOOK IN WINDOW.

HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.

HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.

HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.

I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,

CHEN LEE.

man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: “He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.”

Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, “Nope, that ain’t George.”

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: “Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.” Again, “Nope, that ain’t George.”

Mortician: “How can you tell?”

Al: “George had two a**holes.”

Mortician: “What? How could he have two a**holes?”

Al: “Everybody knew George had two a**holes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, ‘Here comes George with those two a**holes!’”

“Open wider.” requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.

“Good God!” he said startled. “You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen - the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

“OK Doc!” replied the patient. “I’m scared enough without you saying something like that twice.”

“I didn’t!” said the dentist. “That was the echo.”

Three girl friends have met up for their weekly meal together and are discussing their relationships. One of them is engaged, one is a mistress and the other is married.

They decide that to try and surprise their men that night all three will dress up in a leather S&M style bodice, red stilettos and a mask.

The next week they meet up again and compare their experiences.

The engaged girl says, “The other night, when my fiance came home, he found me in the leather bodice, the high red stilettos and mask covering my eyes. As soon as he saw me he grabbed me saying ‘I love you’ and carried me upstairs where we made love all night.”

The mistress says, “I went up to my lover’s hotel room where he was waiting for me and knocked on the door. I was wearing the leather bodice, the red stilettos, and the mask, with my fur coat on top. When I entered the room and dropped my coat to the floor, he said ‘Wow’ and we made love all night.”

The married girl say “Hmmph, I got myself dressed up the same as you two, leather bodice, red stilettos and mask over my eyes and waited for my husband to get home from work.”

“He opened the door, came in and said “Good evening Batman, what’s for dinner?”

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanic s about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ Pilots (marked with a “P”) and the solutions recorded (marked with an “S”) by maintenance engineers.

===

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

===

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

===

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

===

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

===

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per-minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

===

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

===

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

===

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what they’re for.

===

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

===

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

===

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

===

P: Aircraft handles funny

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

===

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

===

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

===

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says “I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know… Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.”

The second guy says “I’m a D.I.N.K, you know… Double Income, No Kids.”

The third guy says, “I’m a R.U.B, you know… Rich, Urban, Biker.”

They turn to the woman and ask her, ” What are you?”

She replies: “I’m a WIFE, you know…Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc.”

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the cute guys with all the big muscles; but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ Helloooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

answer with a 'yes' or 'no':

Will the next word you say be 'no'?

A man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.

So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that---so I shoved it back in."

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who'd you let in first?

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay.

Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of αss is.

Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle.

He thinks "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her". So, he flies down does his business and in 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away.

Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my αss hurts!"

The baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes,I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger seven times saying, "I want you to know THAT HURTS!"

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.... it makes your nose look too short.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

Little Adam rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says,

"Put that away Adam! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Adam whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Adam says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Adam, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Adam says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Once upon a time Cinderella was so horny so she put Pinocchio's nose between her legs and shouted, "Lie to me Bastard, Lie!!"

Get it????

**********

A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming, he asked the class, "Who is responsible for this atrocity?!"

The class clown won tremendous prestige among his peers by answering, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect his parents."

**********

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want one condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them that condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her αss, and I aim to kill it."

**********

A lady lost 3 panties in her house. She blamed her maid in front of her husband. The maid replied: " Sir! you should know very well I don't wear any underwear!"

***********

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For ƒuck sake, you wαnker, it's 2am in the ƒucking morning!!"

**********

Bill woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream.

As the next day came and went, Bill thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Anne were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, “If that fly comes six inches closer, I’ll jump up and have myself a meal.” Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, ” if that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and i’ll catch the fish and have myself a meal.”

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and i’ll shoot the bear.”

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself,” if that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and i’ll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknown to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I’ll snatch the rat.”

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

______________________

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.

They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms : - Just do it.

Toyota Condoms : - Oh.. what a feeling.

Ford Condoms : - The ride of your life.

Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.

Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today ?

KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.

M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Coca-Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.

Ever-Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ....

Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.

USA Brands

Budwiser Condoms:- This bud's for you

Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper

Gatorade Condoms:- The thirst Quencher Ball

Park Franks Condoms:- They plump when you use em

Charmin Condoms:- Don't squeeze the Charmin

Telecom Brands

Nokia Condoms:- This is Human Technology

Ericsson Condoms:- It's all about connecting people

ATT Condoms:- The right choice

Motorola Condoms:- What you never thought possible

And my personal favorite:

Movies Godzilla Condoms:- Size does matter!!!