Greybeard

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning..."Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back..."Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later..."Computer really screwed up now."

...

And if I do, then I hope it reads this, YOU SADDO!

I found this poem and I made me think!--------

I remember the cheese of my childhood,

And the bread that we cut with a knife,

When the children helped with the housework,

And the men went to work not the wife..

The cheese never needed a fridge,

And the bread was so crusty and hot,

The children were seldom unhappy

And the wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,

With the yummy cream on the top,

Our dinner came hot from the oven,

And not from the fridge; in the shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,

They didn't need money for kicks,

Just a game with their mates in the road,

And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,

Where a pen'orth of sweets was sold

Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?

Or is it....I'm just getting old?

I remember the 'loo' was the lav,

And the bogy man came in the night,

It wasn't the least bit funny

Going "out back" with no light.

The interesting items we perused,

From the newspapers cut into squares,

And hung on a peg in the loo,

It took little to keep us amused.

The clothes were boiled in the copper,

With plenty of rich foamy suds

But the ironing seemed never ending

As Mum pressed everyone's 'duds'.

I remember the slap on my backside,

And the taste of soap if I swore

Anorexia and diets weren't heard of

And we hadn't much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?

Or our initiative was destroyed?

We ate what was put on the table

And I think life was better enjoyed.

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.

..

How men and women record things differently in their diaries......

Wife's Diary;

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late in meeting him, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,

and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. - My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt... who the hell misses a two-foot putt!!!!

...

Today at 6:35 PM

Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Clegg: "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc., I must insist on proof of identity."

Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Deputy Prime Minister, but those are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps there's another way: one day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.

"Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque . . . .

"So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Deputy Prime Minister?"

Clegg stood there thinking and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm especially good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"

.

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.

But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice strong legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

.

First Christmas Joke of the Season

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

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EU Directive No.45617

In order to bring about further integration with the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013.

From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be:

'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.

.

ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK IN AND CLEAN THEM?

.

It came as a bit of a surprise, not sure I like it so much, no spell check for a start, and the colour is a bit bright, why do Yahoo! have to change things?

what happened to "If it 'ain't broke, don't fix it!)

What are your views?

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Sad news at the Nestle factory today......

Paddy, a loyal member of Staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on Me!!!"

Everyone just cheered"""

.

My wife took us all to see the Red Arrows.

There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Ahh" as the crowd watched in amazement.

Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.

It was a good half hours worth of entertainment but in the end she finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the Air Show.

.

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A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly

Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been

on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock

move."

... "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never

moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.

The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies

in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.

St Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

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Two Labour MSPs were in an Edinburgh Sauna. “Tell me”, said one, “have you read Marx?”

“Aye, ah think it’s these stupid wicker chairs!”

.

I do, looking out of my window the Autumn colours are fantastic, it's a pity the leaves are about to fall.