Ozzuchan

Everyone dances to their own boom boom. I’m Effy. It’s a shit name but it’s short for Elizabeth which is even worse. I live with my Mum and Dad. My brother used to live here too but now he’s gone. On the day he left he gave me his duvet cover, half a bottle of Peach Schnapps, and his bedroom. Well, he doesn’t need it any more does he? So now it’s my kingdom. I drank the Schnapps and gave the duvet to Oxfam. I can pick stuff up with my toes. Like, not just socks and crap like that but big things. Ketchup bottles. Ashtrays. Ipods. It’s a less useful skill than you’d think. I’m distantly related to a 17th century French aristocrat called Cecile DeLacroix. She was beheaded during the French Revolution. Her eyes carried on blinking for 14 seconds after her head was severed from her neck and her lover had her teeth sewn into his pillow. My favourite smell is petrol. If you want to know any more send a stamped addressed envelope and ten pounds in cash to P.O. Box 67894.