Oz

With the current round of PED's users being suspended for lengthy terms, I cannot understand why Pete Rose is still kept out of baseball. Pete Rose is a Hall of Famer that made a mistake and he's already apologized for his bad judgement but he played the game clean unlike the jerks who lied to everyone and get to keep playing after the suspensions. Is using drugs, lying and cheating more acceptable than gambling? Come on now?

I've troubleshooted this thing to wits end. The nic settings are standard for a wireless network. I haven't changed anything. I have another computer that is next to it that has no issues and uses the same settings.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is..

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

His divorce didn't go his way and he need money to keep his lifestyle after he knocked up his girlfriend........WTF???? Whats you're thought.......Mick where have you gone????

Derek Jeter has been my man since he came up in "95". I've loved the guy. He's been Mr. Yankee to the tee. Kept his nose clean while all of his contemporaries screwed up. Batted .300 fielded at a respectable rate, stole a bunch of bases hit a bunch of home runs, had a record pace of base hits(until the last few years). Signed a contract 10 years ago for 189 million. Don't miss that, 189 million dollars. To play baseball. Remember that game we played when we were kids? Baseball. I am truly disappointed in not only Derek but all of the Greed I see in professional sports. Do any of you make millions like them? What's your take on it?

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is

asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car . The officer says , "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: 'Now don't be silly , dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control .'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ' Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been even higher .'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $95 fine .'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket .'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving .'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket , the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am ?'

"Only when he's been drinking. " :)

A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along."

On his 74th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife. The

certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby

reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed

his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,

and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she

does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,

shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then

she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

A man asks the store clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.'

'But let me ask you something.' 'If I had asked for Italian sausage,

Would you ask me if I was Italian?'

'Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I

Was German?'

'Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'

'Or, if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't have.'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,

'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I

Asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'

If you drink water out of a plastic bottle it might interest you to find out where a lot of those bottles end up.

www.greatgarbagepatch.org

It inspired me to start drinking tap water out of a reusable bottle.

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,

"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

Ok the Utes go 13-0 in division 1 football. Played 4 of the top ten teams in America and beat them. Played #4 Alabama, the #1 team in America for weeks, in the Sugar Bowl and spanked them. The final polls have them at #2 in the country although the #1 Team, Florida has 1 loss.

I ask you does Utah deserve to be #1 in the country?

Being a Giant fan I would have to say when the G-Men beat the previously undefeated New England Patriots in the Superbowl. What a game!

Being a Yankee fan, I would have to say the All Star Game that was held at Yankee Stadium. Say what you want about the Yankees but they certainly know how to put on a show and they did when they hosted the All-Star game. It was spectacular.

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing”, he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph ... then 110 … then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused, then said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir”, replied the trooper.

The Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet

Twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you

Don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I

WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her

Clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.